Something unexpected
by gingerbread98
Summary: When Hayden Jones lands (literally) in Middle Earth, or more precisely on Bilbo Baggins' table she is thrilled. When she is granted permission to accompany the company she has never been more excited. Especially when she see's the youngest member of the group. Packed with laughs, quotes and a hopelessly romantic time (We hope) Join Hayden in the magic (Disney much?) Kili/OC
1. A strange arrival

**Something Un-Expected**

Chapter One – A strange arrival

**Hi everyone! This is a new story that myself and my friend have been working on for a while now. We have 3 chapters completed and we hope to be able to update weekly (If you guys like it that is XD) But firstly I would like to apologise for the amount of swearing in this story. It's not because we're trying to seem 'cool' the only reason we include this swearing because it's how our character was brought up and we want to show this. I hope you enjoy, but before you read:**

**Kat and I do not own 'The Hobbit' any of it's characters and because we are both raging fangirls we quote a lot of books, TV Shows, films and whatnot so if you recognise something we claim no credit for it. **

**This story is inspired by 'The inconvenient and unexpected journey of Millie Fournier' By Agentoffear but only in the type of character. We have our own idea's, plot twists and all that stuff **

**We will try to remain as close as we can to the actual storyline of The Hobbit but a few times and dates have to be altered to fit some of the circumstances the company find themselves in.**

"No Anna, I did not get raped on the way home- no, or murdered. Yes, I'm fine-no I didn't get bloody kidnapped! Annie, listen to me very closely, I didn't get murdered, raped, kidnapped or sat on by a giant ass elephant on the way home. Fine I made that last one up" I sighed into my cheap Nokia.

Tonight Anna, my best friend, had dragged me out of my flat in a dress 3 sizes too small and heels so high I felt as if I could step over bloody Mount Everest to go out clubbing for my 18th birthday. It was utterly awful. Who likes clubs, really? There is music so loud you can't think, flashing lights that give you a migraine and random people who completely invade le personal bubble. Who enjoys that?! All this is why I left (ran away from screaming) the club while she was making out with her English professor... Awkward.

"But Annie, you know the Hobbit? Yeah, the book I was looking for, walking home I bought an awesome copy from this random, well what I thought was a woman. Cost a pretty penny too. Anyway I have to leave you my lovely, speak on Monday." Ignoring her pretty loud cries of: "DON'T YOU DARE HANG UP!" I, well, I hung up. Finally, I'm free! Honestly, I love Anna, but she's exhausting! And I wanna read my book! Growing up I was probably the biggest Lord of the Rings geek that ever existed. Ever. Therefore when I found out that there was a prequel I quite literally screamed and ran out straight to every book shop I know, but no-one had a copy; infuriating, right? So really, can you blame me for being this excited?

Not even bothering to take off my monstrosity of a dress I kicked off my death traps and jumped into my armchair. I grabbed the book from the net bag that the... lady had wrapped it up in and hastily pulled open the cover.

"Holy Shit!" I gasped as I found myself being surrounded by this funny green mist. A sudden tugging on my navel gave me a feeling of nausea and I felt some indescribable force actually sucking me into the book.

'This is not good' was my first thought as blackness engulfed my vision and I had the weirdest sensation of falling- Hey! It's like Alice and the rabbit hole! Awesome. Wind blew past me and forced my mass of ginger hair to flare up behind me. Attractive Jones. After about 10 minutes of all the falling and the blackness and the wind and the blackness I was getting bored. Really bored.

"Hello? Hellooooo?! I'm bored! Bored bored b-umpth!" My back smacked straight into something really long and hard- that's what she said- Okay I'm sorry... not sorry.

"This is so not Wonderland." I groaned, looking at the dimly lit ceiling that was looming over me. Groggily, I sat up and looked around at 13 men, a really tall guy who looked so freakishly like Gandalf the grey it was not even funny and a midget who looked like John Watson with curly hair. Such a cute hedgehog.

"Dafuq?" I whispered to myself and suddenly the 13 confused looking men jumped up from their places around the table and I had 13 swords pointing in my face. Rude.

"Holy crapdazzle! I'm going take a wild stab in the dark here- Whoa! Metaphor! - I have no knives or anything, pfft get that out of my face- Yeah; I'm not in London am I? Wonderland?" The merry band of men's almost identical looks of complete and utter confusion was back with a bang, so I'm guessing I'm in neither London nor Wonderland,

"Lower your swords." A really deep voice broke the dudes out of their confused trance "This _female _shows no harm to you." Immediately the swords went down and exactly the same amount of hands replaced them, offering to help me off the... table it seems. Bipolar much? Well, they're very gentlemanly.

...

What hand do I choose? Insert miniature panic attack here. Okay, just pick at random Jonsey. Closing my eyes I aimlessly threw out my arm and closed my fingers around the first thing I touched. Who-ever it was had really rough hands, not that I can talk... I'm hardly a noble woman that's never done work on her knees. Oh god! Why did I just say that? Forget it ever happened, please.

I opened my eyes to find that the owner of the hand was a young Dwarf, a very young Dwarf, a very young, hot Dwarf. Yes, I've decided they're Dwarves. I don't care if they are in fact a bunch of really short men they are now Dwarves and nothing you or anyone else can say will change that. It's like the seven Dwarves... Only doubled... and one's off sick... Yeah. I froze for a second only to shake my head a second later in an effort to shake the inappropriate thoughts that were running rampage in my brain and slid off the table; only then did I realise what I was wearing. My immediate reaction was to cross my arms arms over my chest to hide my cleavage; of course this only drew attention to said cleavage. Ah.

"Take a picture, it will last longer" I said sarcastically "Oh, and, where am I?" Hmm, maybe I should have asked that first...

"You are in the home of Mr. Boggins" The only beardless Dwarf in the room announced happily, a cute sloppy grin plastered on his face,

"B_a_ggins Kili. You, my dear one, are in the home of none other than Master Bilbo Baggins, I am Gandalf the Grey, and may I enquire who you are... and how you came to be here?"

"Wait- Bilbo Baggins? As in _the _Bilbo Baggins?! AND GANDALF THE W-GREY! Holy mother of all things with gravy." Words cannot explain how hard I was silently (or not so silently) fangirling in this moment.

"I'm sorry how do you know us?" The little hedgehog interrupted my internal squealing. I completely ignored him.

"So you're saying that I'm in the Shire? In Middle Earth?!" Everyone nodded once "I think I need to sit down." I gasped falling into a strategically placed chair. I sat there gasping for a few minutes until everything finally sunk in.

I was in Middle Earth. In the presence of Bilbo Baggins and Gandalf the Grey! Along with some other people. I'm seriously not supposed to be this happy! Oh well, live for life's experiences right?

"Who are you?" The Dwarf I remembered as Kili asked me,

"Oh! Right sorry, I'm Hayden"

"Hayden?"

"Jones! Hayden Claire Jones, why did I just say my middle name?" Ah, my stupid verbal diarrhoea strikes again. Seriously, who says their middle name to complete strangers? Idiots, that's who.

"Well Miss Hayden, a pleasure to meet you. As I previously mentioned I am Gandalf the Grey and it is my pleasure to introduce you to Thorin Oakensheild and his dear company of Dwarves." Gandalf smiled looking entirely relaxed about a random person quite literally falling out of no-where onto a table, like it's your everyday occurrence. Oh well might as well go with it.

"Okay well, hi there Thorin." I sent a stiff wave his way but Thorin just stared at me. Whoa, tough crowd.

"And here we have Balin, Dwalin, Bifur, Bofur, Bombur, Ori, Nori, Dori, Oin, Gloin, Fili and last but not least Kili!" I looked around all the Dwarves knowing that I'll never be able to memorise all those names anytime soon but I still went around feverishly shaking each Dwarfs hand and each time letting out a 'hi' or if I could be bothered a 'nice to meet you'. I may have shaken Kili's hand a little longer than necessary but hey, if you saw him would you blame me? I came to Gloin and grinned,

"Hello, I'm a huge fan... Of your son." I told him,

"You know Gimli?" He asked incredulously,

"Oh yeah, he's epic! Oh, wait. 60 years too early um, never mind!" I gave him a smile that was very stiff and looked like I was in pain and moved onto Fili. After the little meet and greet was over (I tried to shake Thorin's hand but he just kind of glared at me so I quickly withdrew it) everyone returned to their seats leaving me stood awkwardly off to the side while they continued talking in low voices.

"So, what we talking about?" I called feeling a need to be included. Thorin looked to the tall, bald Dwarf who I think was either Dwalin or Balin and gave him a small nod. Whichever 'alin' it was slowly stood up and walked up to me. I barely had time to blink when what he was about to do clicked. He raised his fist and as it came hurtling towards me my reflexes kicked in. I grabbed his fist and twisted it away then brought my leg up into a roundhouse kick and as he bent over from the shock of it I wrapped my legs around his neck and twisted my hips making us both fall to the floor. After I realised he wasn't going to continue randomly attacking me I quickly jumped up and tucked a strand of hair behind my ear.

I looked down into his shocked face and quickly realised what I had done,

"Oh my god I'm so sorry! Are you hurt?... Stop being a baby." I slipped my hand down to help him up but the 'alin', fearing for his manliness I think, ignored it and gruffly jumped up- I could swear I saw him blushing. Aww, you could even see it on the top on his little bald head.

I turned back to the other Dwarves to see them all with exactly the same masks of shock on their faces, even Thorin. I allowed myself to feel quite proud at that fact and watched with slight amusement as Bilbo 'discreetly' side stepped around the table to check if his flooring was alright and there were no scratches or anything.

"Well, I guess she can fight but how does she handle a sword?" Thorin said when Gandalf gave him a weird look that I really couldn't be bothered to decipher at the moment. Then it really struck me.

"Hey, wait a minute! You told him to do that?!"

"Yes. Gandalf here thinks that you would make a good addition to our company. I, of course, am trying to show him that you would die in an instant and we can't hold your baggage." Well that was rude. He doesn't even know me.

"Well mister big tough guy, how do you know I won't make a good addition to your company or whatever?"

"Because you're a woman." He stated simply. Oh no he didn't. In my head I had that person doing that funny Z-snap thing.

"Oh, nu-uh. You do _not _make a sexist comment in front of me. We...I live in an equal rights society and I will not take an attitude like that lying down!"

"People don't say anything like that to you where you live?" Thorin asked looking gobsmacked. I know I really should have just calmed down and civilly talked to Thorin about how in the society _I _live in women are treated as equals and all that but really, I have never got the opportunity to launch into my now perfect, if I do say so myself, re-enactment of my favourite Hermione quote from my damn favourite Potter based musical,

"Of course I've had sexist comments thrown at me but never with so much sass. Drop the attitude Thorin Oakensheild you're acting like Garfield on a Monday." Thorin narrowed his eyes at me.

"Fine." He practically spat out "If you can defeat a swordsman of my choice then you may join our company. I'll even make it easy on you, Kili!"

"Hahaha- oh, you're serious?" A sword was thrown into my hands. Ah, not good. Sure, I did fencing as a kid but have you ever held those swords? They're tiny! These are big and heavy. Okay, just breathe Hayden, you know all the moves and such. Yikes.

Kili, looking like he really didn't want to be in this position, that's what she- not now. He walked up to me drawing his sword from its sheath as he went.

"Sorry." He whispered sincerely. Shakily I brought the sword to my face in a basic defensive manoeuvre. Without warning he launched into attack and I emitted a slight shriek and blocked his attack, the blades letting out that awesome clashing sound that you hear in films. Using all my force I used the position we were in to push the two blades towards Kili making him stumble. He quickly regained his footing and came swinging at me again. I blocked his hit and quickly switched onto the offence swinging the sword in movements I had done a thousand times before until Kili's sword lay 5ft away from us on the floor and my own sword was resting right on his gut,

"Gotcha." I whispered in his ear, my breath ragged both from being in such close proximity to someone from such a beautiful gene pool as him and from the fight along with a huge smile on my face. I think I may be in shock. I have never been able to sword fight well and I've never so much as held a real sword so I'm pretty damn chuffed.

I stepped away from Kili and gingerly held the sword out in order for whoever owns this sword to please take it back before my good luck turns and I poke mine or someone else's eye out, that would be bad. Once it was out of my hands I turned to Thorin, who looked like at this moment would like nothing more than to eat his previous words with gravy and ketchup. Whoa, weird combo. When he felt someone looking at him he snapped his head up to look at me, sighed, and though it looked like it physically pained him to say it, he finally told me that I could come along; with, of course, the warning that if I mucked anything up then I would be left behind without a second thought. Nice fellow.

"Hey, guys? Do you have anything for me to wear? I'm not really appropriately dressed for anything really especially a mission... Quest... Thing." Lord of the rings quote, like a boss. Boom. Bilbo found his voice once more and held up a hand, making his way towards me.

"Actually Miss. Hayden, my mother was quite a keen seamstress in her day and I'm sure there is something in her collection that would fit you." Bilbo turned away and started walking out of the room, though it wasn't until he had doubled back did I realise that I was supposed to be following.

"Oh Right!" I exclaimed and scrambled after him. I followed him through the corridor feeling like a lost puppy... That was taller than him. Eventually he led me through to a rounded wooden door and gestured for me to go in.

"When you get in there, you will see a wardrobe- just look through all of the clothes in there until you find something to your, umm, taste." Bilbo says looking rather awkward. I stepped into the small room and turned around offering him a small smile.

"Well I'll leave you to it." He smiled and did a funny stiff wave when I gave my thanks. Wow, I could still feel the waves of awkward rolling off that situation. Poor hedgehog. I shut the door and lit all of the candles in the room using a handy box of matches that was lying on a wooden dresser to at least give me a bit of light. I miss electricity.

I turned towards the wardrobe which was situated to the left of the double bed that was in the middle of the room. I bent down onto my knees and pulled open to doors to the wardrobe only to be bombarded in an avalanche of clothes. After freeing myself from the cottony chasm of death, I began rifling through the items of clothing until I found something that I thought would fit me. Another thing, I have shrunk! My once 5ft 5 frame had reduced to the size of a midget, I'd say I was now about 4ft 8 (or around that). Good thing that dress was too small in the first place huh? After more time of sorting, discarding and drowning in clothes (Seriously, when Bilbo said his mother was a _keen _seamstress I didn't think she was _this _keen!) I finally found something that looked quite awesome, fit perfectly and was extremely practical as it would somewhat protect me from the elements and be easy to run, hunt and fight in. I hastily removed the dress-pure incarnation of evil- with great difficulty I might add, and slipped into the thick, skin tight leather breaches, pulled on the knee high leather boots that laced up at the front and lastly a deep blue, longish top that had something akin to elastic at the bottom, which pulled the top tight just under my butt. It also had a black corset type thing around my torso, the sleeves reached right down to my wrists and it sat slight off my shoulders with a back to low for my liking but you really can't have everything you want, right? And I have a cool black cloak to keep me all warm at night, and a hood, which was kind of useless due to the material it was made out of but looked awesome all the same.

Realising I had only one elastic band with me, but about 50 hairclips (thank you Anna), I pulled my ridiculously long, reddish-ginger, annoyingly curly hair into a double Dutch braid going around my head which ended in a plaited bun. Sexy but practical, Boom.

Putting my cloak and a leather satchel I found over my arm I headed back to the dining room (Extinguishing the candles of course) to where everyone was still chatting.

"You alright laddie?" I heard as I walked down the hall.

"Yes, just give me a moment, I'm- Nope." I heard the distinct thud of someone's body hitting the floor and I ran the rest of the way in, skidding to a stop on the annoying polished floor. Bilbo looked scared shitless even in... Sleep? Do you sleep when you pass out? Ah, life's un-answerable questions, thou art a bitch. I had grown to like the hedgehog in the half an hour I had known him so I immediately rushed over to him.

"My man? My man, my man, my man? Is he gonna be okay?" I asked impersonating Ruby Rodd, hehe, that guy cracks me up. "What did you say to him?!" I demanded, glaring at the Dwarves.

"We were just explaining the likelihood of incineration to him." Bofur said with a cheer you really should not have when a Hobbit is lying dead on the floor... Or close enough to dead. Thorin shook his head and slowly rose up out of his chair. He walked over to where I was crouched by the comatose hedgehog and picked him up bridle style. Holy crap: I ship it! I stared at them wide eyed as Thorin carried Bilbo over and gently placed him on an armchair. So much for Mr. Tough guy.

"I bet Gandalf never told you it was an adorable Hobbit!" I giggled as Thorin looked at me in a mixture of confusion, disgust and outrage, "Hey! We were all thinking it! Anyway you guys have chemistry, sexual tension, true love." Oh great, I have another OTP. This should be fun. Thorin decided just to glare at me as he walked back towards the group. He's in denial.

"So, I know the meagre basics like why you want Bilbo and how you're going after Erebor, don't ask me how, but what are the fine details of our little road trip?" And so for the next 30 minutes I was talked at by 13 Dwarves, then Bilbo woke up and Kili came over to chat to me.

"Hello!" He beamed,

"Hi." I replied smiling,

"So, if you don't mind me asking, how old are you?" He wondered sheepishly,

"Huh? Oh no of course not, I mean you asking me, I don't mind that- Who would mind that? Well, I guess some old woman could find it rude but I'm not one of those- I mean I'm not old! I am a woman which you probably guessed... I'm sorry, can we start over? My name is Hayden Jones and I am 18 years old." Okay; what the hell just came out of my mouth?! I shouldn't say words. Luckily Kili didn't seem to be freaked out by my rambling as he just looked at me with an eyebrow raised and a sexy ass smoulder. Then his expression changed into one of shock.

"Wait? You're only 18? You're a child- no offence intended of course."

"Well that's a bit rude, I'm legally an adult, how old are you?" Honestly he didn't look any older than me so I don't get where gets off calling me a child. Sure I'm young, but I stopped being classed as a child when I turned 13 and I have been an adult since... yesterday but that's not the point!

"I'm 77." He said a little awkwardly. I laughed lightly,

"Haha, you're funny!" And then it dawned on me. Kili was a Dwarf. Dwarves live for around 300 years. So if you convert it, in Dwarf years Kili would be around my age. I think. Okay wow, I am insanely attracted to a 77 year old man. Yikes.

"So I'm guessing you're a young Dwarf?" I said mirroring his awkwardness. A faint blush spread across his cheeks.

"Yes, I'm the youngest in the company, well, second youngest now. Though I am very happy you're here, I am surprised uncle Thorin let such a young Dwarf into the company- He barely let me!" Kili replied with a smile and a chuckle as I guessed he was replaying a memory in his head or something along those lines. Wait, did he just call me a Dwarf?

"No, no! I'm not a Dwarf, I'm human!" I clarified while Kili had yet another look of complete confusion on his face.

"What's a human?" He asked looking pretty cute as he scrunched his face up in wonder.

"You're kidding me right?" I replied incredulously, and then I remembered that there were only three races in Middle Earth.

"I am of the race of man." I stated simply... Sexist. Realisation shone in his features, suddenly his face fell.

"Your race only lives one hundred years." He told me.

"Give or take, yeah, though the average for a healthy female is 83." That is such a useless fact why the hell do I keep it? Though I do wonder why he cares so much.

"Oh." He murmured sort of dejectedly and a sudden urge to get the frown off his face took over me.

"But hey! If Shelob eats me on the way to Erebor then at least I'll die pretty!"- Wow, that sounded so stuck up my own arse-"You too, but you'll be sexy for another couple of hundred years, so you can just stay where you are." I joked hoping that he would stop being randomly mopy. Don't blame me! I'm not good with all this emotional stuff. Ugh. Relief filled me when a deep chuckle rumbled through his chest. His hard, flat, beautiful, godly chest. Oh god, shut it Hayden!

"You say the strangest things Hayden Claire Jones. I don't think I'll ever be bored with you around." He smiled warmly and I returned the gesture.

"Glad to be of service- though I don't know, Thorin seems to be a bit of a party pooper, and Dwalin, he didn't seem too friendly." I said haughtily, grimacing slightly as I remembered the attack.

"Uncle Thorin can be slightly... Strict sometimes but he means well. He just doesn't feel he has a reason to laugh and sing anymore. And Dwalin, he does like to jest, he just gets worked up easily." Jest? Are we in the middle ages or something?

"Why do you constantly call him 'uncle' Thorin? I'm sure everyone knows that you and Fili are Thorin's nephews. I've always called my uncle, John, by his first name- but that could just be me. I was never all that close to my family- Wow, I ramble, why didn't you shut me up?" A blush warmed my cheeks but as my stupid bloody hair was up I couldn't even attempt to hide it. Darn. Kili smiled a bit at me but looked thoughtful as he pondered my question. At last he spoke.

"I'm not sure why I call him Uncle- I guess it's still a habit from when I was younger." He shrugged lightly as he said that last bit, but then he got a teasing smile on his face and he continued,

"And honestly, I'm not sure the forces of a Dragon could get you to be quiet!"

"Well, we can test that can't we?" I giggled (I know right?) slightly but soon fell silent as my laughter faded away into history. Dude, I'm deep.

"Can I ask you a question?" Kili asked after a few moments of just enjoying each other's company,

"Well technically you just did but seeing as I'm feeling saint-like you can ask another." I teased and he cracked a smile before returning to the serious expression he wore before.

"How did you beat Dwalin in a fight... And me?"

"Well, since I was about four my mother enrolled me in all these self defence clubs, you know, things like Kick boxing, Karate, fencing, Judo- you name it, I've probably studied it. I never really knew why until I was older. She was just paranoid about coming home and finding me dead. You know, there's lots of weirdo's out there!" I finished with a nervous laugh, "So don't feel too bad about me mopping the floor with your ass, tough guy." I said patronisingly reaching round to squeeze his bicep, but got caught up when I felt the solidity of it and I couldn't help but to carry on squeezing it making little 'oooh' and 'huuuh' noises every now and then, sounding so much like a teenage girl meeting her dream man.

"Oi! Kili, 'ayden. Come on, Mr. Baggins has gone to bed and we're moving into the living room for drinks before we settle for the night!" Dwalin poked his head around the living room wall, snapping me out of my bicep squeezing stupor.

"Hayden, H, Hayden" I whispered to myself as I followed a smug looking Kili into the living room where a roaring fire was crackling in the hearth and all the Dwarves (and Gandalf) sat. I took a seat in-between/half on top of Fili and Kili and drinks were handed around in the dim lightning while everyone chatted amongst themselves, the favourite topic of discussion being the upcoming quest, at least that's what Fili, Kili, Dori and myself were bickering about. After around ten minutes Thorin stood up and stood by the roaring fire, looking deep into it's bright flames. What he did then shocked me to no end. Yes, Thorin Grumpy-pants Oakensheild started to sing...

"_Far over the Misty Mountains cold,  
To dungeons deep and caverns old,  
We must away, ere break of day,  
To seek our pale enchanted gold._

The dwarves of yore made mighty spells,  
While hammers fell like ringing bells,  
In places deep, where dark things sleep,  
In hollow halls beneath the fells."

Then Kili jumped in to sing with Thorin, which was quite sexy if I do say so myself, and soon all of the other Dwarves joined in...__

"For ancient king and elvish lord  
There many a gleaming golden hoard  
They shaped and wrought, and light they caught,  
To hide in gems on hilt of sword.

On silver necklaces they strung  
The flowering stars, on crowns they hung  
The dragon-fire, on twisted wire  
They meshed the light of moon and sun.

Far over the Misty Mountains cold,  
To dungeons deep and caverns old,  
We must away, ere break of day,  
To claim our long-forgotten gold.

Goblets they carved there for themselves,  
And harps of gold, where no man delves  
There lay they long, and many a song  
Was sung unheard by men or elves.

The pines were roaring on the heights,  
The wind was moaning in the night,  
The fire was red, it flaming spread,  
The trees like torches blazed with light.

The bells were ringing in the dale,  
And men looked up with faces pale.  
The dragon's ire, more fierce than fire,  
Laid low their towers and houses frail.

The mountain smoked beneath the moon.  
The dwarves, they heard the tramp of doom.  
They fled the hall to dying fall  
Beneath his feet, beneath the moon.

Far over the Misty Mountains grim,  
To dungeons deep and caverns dim,  
We must away, ere break of day,  
To _win__ our harps and gold from him!_

The wind was on the withered heath,  
But in the forest stirred no leaf:  
There shadows lay be night or day,  
And dark things silent crept beneath.

The wind came down from mountains cold,  
And like a _tide__ it roared and rolled.  
The branches groaned, the forest moaned,  
And leaves were laid upon the mould._

The wind went on from West to East;  
All movement in the forest ceased.  
But shrill and harsh across the marsh,  
Its whistling voices were released.

The grasses hissed, their tassels bent,  
The reeds were rattling—on it went.  
O'er shaken pool under heavens cool,  
Where racing clouds were torn and rent.

It passed the Lonely Mountain bare,  
And swept above the dragon's lair:  
There black and dark lay boulders stark,  
And flying smoke was in the air.

It left the world and took its flight  
Over the wide seas of the night.  
The moon set sale upon the gale,  
And stars were fanned to leaping light.

Under the Mountain dark and tall,  
The King has come unto his hall!  
His foe is dead, the Worm of Dread,  
And ever so his foes shall fall!

The sword is sharp, the spear is long,  
The arrow swift, the Gate is strong.  
The heart is bold that looks on gold;  
The dwarves no more shall suffer wrong.

The dwarves of yore made mighty spells,  
While hammers fell like ringing bells  
In places deep, where dark things sleep,  
In hollow halls beneath the fells.

On _silver necklaces__ they strung  
The light of stars, on crowns they hung  
The dragon-fire, from twisted wire  
The melody of harps they wrung._

The mountain throne once more is freed!  
O! Wandering folk, the summons heed!  
Come haste! Come haste! Across the waste!  
The king of friend and kin has need.

Now call we over the mountains cold,  
'Come back unto the caverns old!'  
Here _at the gates__ the king awaits,  
His hands are rich with gems and gold._

The king has come unto his hall  
Under the Mountain dark and tall.  
The Worm of Dread is slain and dead,  
And ever so our foes shall fall!

Farewell we call to hearth and hall!  
Though wind may blow and rain may fall,  
We must away, ere break of day  
Far over the wood and mountain tall.

To Rivendell, where Elves yet dwell  
In glades beneath the misty fell.  
Through moor and waste we ride in haste,  
And whither then we cannot tell.

With foes ahead, behind us dread,  
Beneath the sky shall be our _bed__,  
Until at last our toil be passed,  
Our journey done, our errand sped._

We must away! We must away!  
We ride before the break of day!

Whoa. I think I just learnt the whole (Well most of) the Dwarves history in one song. If Thorin had just whipped out his maraca's and sung me a little song when he was explaining the quest, it would have been so much more fun! Oh well. After a minute of respectful silence we all jumped back into our previous conversations like nothing happened but instead of telling Fili that _I _was in fact the manliest person in the company I quickly jumped up as I saw Dwalin eyeing Bilbo's cookie jar with something looking alot like lust and I remembered him complaining about how much he loved the cookies but everyone was eating them. A cruel smile spread across my face as a plan formed beautifully in my weird mind.

Running forward I snatched the very last cookie out of the now very grubby cookie jar and held it tauntingly in front of my face.

"Ah ah ah!" I mocked with a smirk. I think said smirk was permanently etched on my face. Call it a feature.

"I have a little issue to clear up with you mister." I said placing my hands on my hips, being careful not to break my little bargaining chip. I fixed Dwalin with my fiercest glare.

"Alright lass, give me the food and no-one gets hurt." He reasoned trying to appear fierce, but the fearful look in his eyes made it all hilarious.

"I'm sorry; I could have sworn I floored you earlier." Don't be cocky Hayden. It's not a nice quality. Dwalin narrowed his eyes at the mention of his beautiful defeat.

"Fine. What you wanna say?" He muffled through his bushy beard and moustache,

"My name. It's Hayden, with a h, H-Ayden, say it with me now, _Hayden, _Got that 'Walin?" I spieled,

"Dwalin. Ma' names Dwalin. With a D." He retorted looking at me like I was an idiot for not knowing,

"See how annoying it is?! Bet you won't forget how to say my name anytime soon huh baldy? Oh, and one more thing." His glare turned into a look of wonder which then evolved into a look of horror as I stuffed the cookie in my mouth. I chewed it with attitude before swallowing dramatically, allowing a 'gulp' to be heard before walking away with a finalising nod. My antics were even more rewarding when I saw an amused smile on Kili's face. Wait, what? Ah, shit. I'm so crushing on him. Okay, it's not too bad. Just a stupid school girl crush- granted, I'm technically a school girl but, I think you can count my mental age as 14 and below so I guess it's legit. But I digress, I sauntered back to my cosy little seat between Fili and Kili and I quickly brought up the conversation of Dwarven women (What? I'm curious) until Thorin announced that he thought it best that we all go to sleep as we would be setting off bright and early in the morning. Yay. OH!

"DIBS, BAGS, SHOTGUN, WHATEVER SAYING YOU HAVE IN MIDDLE EARTH TO RESERVE SOMETHING I ENVOKE THAT LAW! DIBS ON THE FLOOR NEXT TO THE FIRE! HA!" I yelled immediately , my head popping up like those meerkats you see on documentaries standing to attention. I rushed over to said space and lay face down on the hard wooden floor I magically transformed myself into a starfish so that I could save myself some room to be free in.

"This space taken?" I heard the unmistakable deep voice of Kili above me. I pulled my face off the floor, quite a feat, I know, and noisily blew a chin length strand of hair out of my face. It had escaped from my vice like braid. Damn it.

"I don't know, I was kinda hoping Bombur would be free!" I joked but I don't think Kili understood that as he got a look that reminded me scorchingly of a puppy that had just been kicked by it's owner. Guilt washed over me in 300ft waves, murmuring an 'okay' he slowly turned away with his head dropped.

"Oh no! Kili! I was just joking, I'm pretty sure Bombur snores anyway. I can sense these things. There is no one I would rather spend the night with than you... But not like that! .. Just lie down" I stopped him and a bright smile took over his devishly sexy features as he laughed and playfully punched me in the shoulder. I lied back onto the slightly warm wood looking at Kili as he joined me.

"Lie with me Watson!" I giggled but dramatically sighed as Kili shot me yet another look of confusion "Just lie down." I sighed dramatically, "Well, goodnight Kili." I smirked and turned away from him to face the dancing flames in the hearth.

"Sweet dreams, Hayden Claire Jones." I heard Kili say softly behind me and I smiled and slipped quietly into sleep.

God I hope this isn't a dream.

**So, what do you think? Do you think we should continue? Oh, and, I think Hayden seems a little stuck up in this chapter but I promise she isn't like that as you will see in later chapters, she's just unbelievably sassy. Like Gerard Way *insert sob here* **

**So please, if you think this story is worth it leave a review. Bye! Next update on Sunday (hopefully) Bye!**_ Bottom of Form_


	2. Little showers

Chapter 2 – Little showers

**Hi! Here is chapter 2 of Hayden's little tale. I hope you all enjoy! Thank you for the reviews, follows and favourites. They really mean a lot to us :) In this chapter there would be a song that Hayden sings but it really just gets too long if I include it so I'll put it as a different story if any of you would like to check it out. Now, before anything, le disclaimer:**

**Kat and I do not own '****The Hobbit****' any of it's characters and because we are both raging fangirls we quote a lot of books, TV Shows, films and whatnot so if you recognise something we claim****no credit****for it.**

A really, really nice smell forced me from the nightmare that was plaguing me. It was awful! I was stuck in ASDA and the automatic door just would not close *Shudder*

I laid still with my eyes closed for a couple of moments to try and shake the sheer dreadfulness of the dream from me. And then I realised something: My pillow was holding me...I didn't even have a pillow! Still half asleep I reached out and poked it trying to magically transform it into a nice, normal, non-breathing pillow but that kind of backfired when a deep chuckle sounded. I cautiously rose to find that it was not in fact a pillow I was happily sprawled across but Kili. Ah. And that's not awkward...sure.

"Well um hi there." I mumbled, embarrassed, discreetly checking that I didn't have drool on my face or my hair wasn't sticking up at some angle that defied gravity in some way or another.

"Morning." He smirked, "You talk in your sleep." My heart stopped. Not literally, that would be bad, but it most certainly felt as if that particular muscle had stopped doing it's stuff.

"Oh? Really? What did I say?" Yeah, play it cool Hayden, you act like you're not dying inside. Kili's smile widened.

"Well, let me see, you were asking a person called Sherlock not to jump, begging me not to release the frogs as they'll eat your face and you were shouting at something to 'Just close god dammit or you'll chop off its sensors' then proceeded to apologize and ask it not to cry." Kili laughed and I soon joined in. I'm a weird one.

As our laughter died off we kind of just sat there looking at each other for a moment.

"A week."

"No, no, Kili's quite timid. At least a month."

"Never. Kili is desperate to please Thorin and he'll never approve."

"Hmmm, yes I think you're right."

"No. I know my uncle and he'll be happy for Kili. True love will prevail. It will only be a few days."

"I'll bet you 10 gold pieces that it will happen in a week."

"50 for a few days."

"20 for never."

"Ah, they're so meant to be."

"It's so cute!"

I watched each of the eleven dwarves place bets on the timing of Kili and I, or so I assumed, getting together. With my body still parallel to Kili, my head cocked to the side facing them with a weirded out expression on my face. Yes, weirded out; it is the only way I can describe what I'm feeling at this moment in time.

"Huh?" I breathed, but they either didn't hear me or just ignored me. I rolled my head around to look at Kili, who was blushing like crazy, and decided to give the nosy dwarves a taste of their own medicine...sorta.

"Holy crap! You guys are shipping us? You're all fan-girls!" I moved my hand in a sweeping motion and just as I expected they all jumped up in outrage. It turns out they don't take kindly to being compared to girls and all of them got in line to show me their 'bulging' biceps and some even went as far as to pull out their large weapons, not like that you saucy minx.

"Enough! End this petty squabbling and go and eat all of you. We leave in an hour." Feeling like a puppy with its ears pricked up I snapped my gaze to Thorin. Breakfast? As in the edible stuff? With a battle cry of 'FOOOOOOOOD!' I barreled headfirst into the mob of hungry dwarves and broke into a sprint running manically around the small house in search of the kitchen. Just follow your nose Hayden! Finally, panting and out of breath (What? I may be able to fight but it doesn't mean I'm fit. Too lazy for that) I found Bombur standing in front of a very nice cooker with a variety of meats and fish sizzling on top of it. Snatching one of the plates piled on the table and at the side of Bombur I began to wait, eagerly bouncing on my toes. I was hungry okay? I didn't have any dinner. I think I may have been scaring him slightly as every now and again he would nervously glance away from his spatula and eye me. Am I really that scary? A few seconds later Kili ran into the room laughing with Fili hot on his heels, eyes alight with joy. Noisily grabbing a plate, Kili rushed over to me and roughly patted me on the head.

"Hey! Ow!"

"I win brother, you owe me 5 gold pieces. My apologies master Hayden, but it was a race to you."

"That's Mistress Hayden to you Sunny Jim." Confusion clouded Kili's eyes...again.

"Have you forgotten my name already? My name is Kili Hayden, not Sunny or Jim." I closed my eyes exasperatedly and blew out a breath.

"Why do I bother?" I sighed. I am going to kill myself during my stay. I just know it. As I re-opened my eyes I watched as Fili grumpily slapped 5 shiny coins into his younger brothers hand, scowling at Kili's victorious expression and lightly punching him. A giggle escaped me as Kili over dramatically bent over wheezing and coughing.

"So Fili, I like your um...moustache. It's very...clean." Smooth. Seriously? Out of all the words I knew, I chose clean? Why did I even comment on his freaking moustache? Honestly inner Hayden why do I keep you around? Jeesh.

"Thank you miss. Hayden. I think. You are mighty clean as well." Fili held onto his belt and smiled, the two plaits of his moustache hanging down like vampire fangs. Don't laugh. Do not la- I said don't laugh! But alas, I was too far gone and very soon I was doubled over clutching my sides. Fili and Kili eyed each other and nervously chuckled along having absolutely no idea what I was currently in hysterics about.

"THE MOUSTACHE *laugh* It looked *laugh* like you *deep breath* had bloody vampire fangs!" And I once again dissolved into a fit of giggles and was soon leaning against Kili gasping for breath.

"I'm fine, okay, I'm fine." Another giggle escaped but I reigned in the fit.

"Hayd, you've gone all red."...Okay either he couldn't be arsed to say my whole name or I have a nickname. Hold in the high pitched girly squeal.

"Oh that's not good, probably clashes with my hair horribly." I sighed dramatically, pretending to care. Kili laughed and shook his head.

"So do you miss your home?" He asked gently as we waited for the meat to finish cooking.

"Huh? Oh yeah, all the time. You know you really just can't beat all the over-population, world hunger and damn, the pollution. It's such a nice place to live." I laughed, wow, sarcasm central? Truth is I really didn't want to think about how I felt about home, or the person who is probably tearing her hair out right now. I just wanted to enjoy actually being in my childhood escape, is that too much to ask? Focusing back on Kili I watched as the oh so familiar confusion shone in his eyes but I quickly waved my hand in a dismissive gesture before he could question me on what pollution, world hunger and over population were.

"What about you? Why did you leave your home to come on a life threatening quest?"

"Well because we, Fili and I, wanted to accompany our uncle on the quest to regain Erebor -that is our true home- and there was nothing and no-one to keep me at home." I was about to ask him about his beautiful Dwarven girlfriend (We all know he has one, look at that face) when Bombur started to pile up my plate with meat, eggs and fish therefore completely distracting me.

After practically inhaling my plateful of food, and being denied seconds as we had to save supplies for the journey, we all put as many blankets, snacks and random handy things into our satchels then slowly trudged into Bilbo's very neatly trimmed and arranged garden. I did feel pretty bad about raiding the sleeping hedgehog's house but Gandalf was mega sure that he would soon be joining us so he really didn't need it.

"Hey, Hayden – I can't always say your whole name. Can I call you Denny? Thank you. We're all betting on whether we will be joined by our burglar, what do you wager?" Oh shit. I have no money. That is depressing. I opened my mouth to tell Gloin that I had nothing to bet that would mean much to them. I felt a soft heavy piece of cloth being slipped into my hand and someone's rough skin gently closing my fingers around it. Curiosity flooded through me as I brought my hand up to examine the mysterious object. I opened my fingers slightly to get a good view of what it was and saw a smallish bag with a cute little gold drawstring. I tugged lightly on the material and peered inside; a small gasp escaped me as I saw about 50 (give or take) shiny, gold coins stuffed in there. My head snapped up in search of who could have possibly given me this when my gaze wondered into Kili's deep, brown, smouldery eyes. I think I may have just stared at him for a while before he quickly winked at me and turned his back to join the conversation Fili and Nori were having. I smiled warmly at his back before turning sharply back to Gloin.

"Okay, I bet everyone who thinks Bilbo is not going to show 10 pieces on the counter argument." I said boldly though I'm not sure that sentence actually made sense but I'm sure my intention was clear. Hearing a few dwarves mutter a 'You're on' or 'Agreed' I nodded in a finalizing way and bounded over to Kili.

"Thank you so much! I promise I will pay you back for it as soon as I have the money!" And before I knew it I had pulled Kili into a hug. It was slightly awkward as he was taller than me and I had to go up on my tiptoes so that I could quickly rest my head on his shoulder. Aw this is nice. He's very warm. And he smells like ginger bread mixed with a sort of woody musk. It was intoxicating. Okay, pull away Hayden...now...okay now...I'm serious Hayden! Things will get awkward, just pull away. Thank you. Reluctantly I pulled away from Kili's warm and safe embrace, wrapping my arms around myself to shield me from the harsh winds. It didn't work.

"You're very welcome Hayden. You will not pay me back, think of it as a gift." He said happily seeming very jolly all of a sudden, huh.

"I'm paying you back compadre. What did you bet on?"

"No you're not. Bilbo coming with us, yourself?"

"I so am. Same! High five, you just hit the palm of your hand against mine – perfect."

"You're not. Is that 'high five' thing a common action where you live?"

"I am! Get over it! Yeah, whenever we find common ground on something with another person or just feel like a high five is needed we just insert them in. You have to feel it, right in here." I dramatically bashed my fist to the middle of my chest. Yes Hayden, you feel the need to high five someone in your cleavage. Mental face palm.

"Not! You will not pay me back Hayd!" Ignoring the fluttery feeling in my chest when he said my nickname I fixed Kili with a glare.

"Fine." I bit out and turned away quickly, "The bloody stubbornness of dwarves." I whispered to myself but apparently Kili heard me as I heard him and Fili laugh behind me. Oops, I forgot he was there.

"Hayden!" I looked up at the sound of my name but found no-one. Strange. Still looking in front of me in confusion I took a step to my right only to walk into something...or someone. Letting out a quick scream of surprise I jumped back and looked into the glowering gaze of Thorin. Hide me.

"Whoa did not see you there. Don't sneak up on people like that! Was it you who called my name?"

"I did not mean to scare you Hayden, but I came to show you to your pony. You will ride alone; I refuse to burden my men with you. Though I'm sure Kili wouldn't mind." He murmured the last sentence but I still heard him clear as day and that stupid damn blush worked its way onto my cheeks. Be gone devil blood! Retreat into the blood vessels from which you came. Just ignore him Hayden.

"Righteo Thorin...thanks. I think. Where's my pony?" I have never been so awkward. Thorin turned away without a word and I quickly leaped after him, struggling to keep up with Thorin's quick pace I had to do this strange little leap/skip every 3 seconds so that I could keep him in my line of sight. After we finished 'strolling' down Bilbo's garden path Thorin came to a stop by a very cute creamy white pony with these oddly intelligent brown eyes.

"This is your pony. She has yet to be named as she is a new addition. We found her wondering the paths yesterday so we took her in. I suggest you get acquainted so she doesn't throw you." And with that Thorin turned and stomped off. He really is a ball of sunshine isn't he? Focusing on the pony I smiled and tentatively reached my hand out and stroked her brittle mane.

"Hi there." I cooed, "What will we name you? Okay you look pretty smart so if I say a can you shake your head or make some sort of appreciative noise? Okay, Charlie?" I watched and waited for her to either shake her head or make a noise but she kind of just stared at me like I was stupid or insane, or both.

"Fine. You officially have no say in your name. Deal with it. Anyway I think you're a...River. Yes, I like that." I smiled and stroked my hand down the bridge of her nose. Hearing the stomping of boots behind me I turned my back on River to see Fili walking down the path with a couple of bags slung over his shoulder.

"Heya Hayden, Thorin told me to strap these bags to the pony." He smiled and walked over to River, tying the bags to either side of her and patting her back twice before turning to me.

"So have you thought of a name for her yet?" He asked

"Oh, yeah actually, River. I think it suits her." I smiled at him. Truth is I really wanted to get on with Fili but I never really had the chance to talk to him alone.

"River? That's a strange name...a bit like you." He teased raising his eyebrows quickly in a taunting manner. I mock gasped and held my hand to my chest faking hurt.

"Me? Strange? I'll have you know I'm perfectly normal. You're strange!" I childishly poked my tongue out and he returned the gesture.

"I'm not the one who speaks strangely." He retorted in a light tone, muttering a grumpy 'I'm not strange' we let the conversation fade and suddenly the air became quite serious.

"Listen Hayden, you and Kili are getting quite close are you not?"

"Well not really share all your secrets and watching chick flicks in our PJ's at a sleepover close but I guess out of everyone here Kili is the one I connect with most; I have only been in Middle Earth for a night you know."

"Exactly my point. You and Kili have only known each other for one night and in 70 years I have never seen Kili act this way around a woman, no matter how long he has known her."

"Why are you telling me this? What do you want me say?"

"I simply want to know your intentions. As I have said I have never seen Kili act like this around a woman and Kili has had enough bad luck for many dwarves." He said gently, though his eyes flashed with protectiveness when he mentioned Kili's 'bad luck'.

"I just want to be friends with Kili,, you know, someone to keep me company in this place. But don't you worry. I'll take care of him. What happened to Kili then?" I asked, trying to keep the smile on my face – if anyone hurt him...

"Behind Kili's back many of the Dwarven women would laugh at Kili but would happily pretend to be interested in him just to say that they had lain with Dwarven prince." He growled slightly. Why the hell would anyone need to pretend to be interested in Kili?! He's gorgeous!

"In our culture Kili is considered quite funny looking – he has no beard, or moustache, or plaits. And gorgeous huh? I thought you were only his friend?" Did I say that out loud? Shit.

"Really? Because of his hairlessness? The whole huge plaited beard thing looks really weird, no offence. So women just pretend to like Kili for sex but really laugh at him behind his back? Bitches." Anger swelled deep in my chest. Poor Kili.

"That's about right. And no offence taken Hayden. Just don't hurt him, okay?" Fili slapped his right hand against my shoulder and then without another word and turned and trudged back up towards Bilbo's house. I watched as he walked up to Thorin and Balin and easily joined their conversation. Turning back round I saw River staring at me like she had heard the whole of mine and Fili's conversation – well she did. But she looked at me like she understood it all.

"We're just friends! I have literally been in Middle Earth for one night...Stop looking at me like that." I grumbled, having a feeling that 'Just friends' will become my catchphrase like 'not gay' is John's. I suddenly connect with him on a whole new level. Soon I'll be yelling at a self-service checkout...oh wait, already crossed that bridge. Slowly petting River once more I slung my bag onto my shoulder and headed back up to the small hedgehog's small house.

"Hey guys, when're we setting off?" I asked, crossing my arms over my chest.

"Now. We have everything we need and according to Gandalf we needn't wait for the hobbit." Thorin said gruffly. I let out a noise of anguish.

"I was literally just down there!" I pointed both my arms towards the area just outside of Bilbo's fence where the ponies were parked. Do you park a pony? Surely you have to, you can't just ditch them, are there rules? Can you park your horse on the double yellow lines? I don't see any around so I guess not, in fact there are no road lines. How is there order?! There must be so many head on horsey crashes because they didn't have markings on what side of the path you should be on. And what about one way systems? How do we know if we're allowed on a certain road? And do your horses get towed if you stay in one place for too long? Poor horses. Still trying to figure out how Middle Earth is not just in a state of complete horse anarchy I walked back down the path towards River.

"Yes, I'm back so soon. Miss me?" I asked as I hopped on her back. "Now I'll try my best to avoid head on crashes and a large horse pile-up but I don't know the rules of the road in this place and it could get ugly." I warned her gravely before digging my heels lightly into her sides to make her move. Everyone joined me and we started to file in a line formation and I quickly surveyed the group noticing that we had one of our merry men missing.

"Hey guys, where's Gandalf?" I asked curiously.

"He stayed behind to clean the hobbit's hole." Thorin shouted over his shoulder.

"Oh okay. Haha hobbit hole, it sounds so funny." I giggled. "Wait so how will Gandalf find us?"

"We will stop in a local inn, The Green Dragon, I think it's called. Gandalf will meet us there." Balin told me before Thorin could get a word out. The Green Dragon? Excitement flooded through me. We were actually going to The Green Freakin' Dragon! Pinch me. Okay try to play it cool Hayden and if you can't do that just try not to squeal. With a grin so I felt like the Joker I started to merrily whistle the tune of Mary and Pippins green dragon song, choosing to ignore the exasperated looks the other Dwarves gave me. I put with their songs, they can put up with mine.

After only a short ride we finally pulled up to the infamous inn. My breath caught in my throat. I can't believe I'm actually here! I slowly slid off River and made my way towards the small building as if I was in a trance, finally stopping a few feet away and just basking in the moment – the moment in which I would enter _The_ Green Dragon. The very inn where Merry and Pippin danced on the table singing, where Frodo, Sam, Merry and Pippin came when the quest was over, where-

"What're you doing Hayden?" I heard Fili ask as he came to stand beside me, Kili following suit and standing on my other side,.

"Basking in the moment." I replied simply.

"So you aren't coming in?"

"Oh, I am. Just not right at this moment. Things need to be taken slowly. I need to commit everything to memory." Fili and Kili exchanged a look over my head then simultaneously grabbed each of my elbows and started pulling me towards the building.

"No No! I WASN'T DONE BASKING! I NEED TO BASK!" I dug my toes into the dirt but that only resulted in Fili and Kili dragging me along as though I was a lifeless body.

"Guys come on, lets talk about this! Be rational!" I cried, struggling to find my footing as I watched in horror as the front door grew closer.

"Dude, I didn't want to do this but seriously, I bite." This is part where I really started struggling. Seeing as my arms where currently out of use and my legs where trailing somewhere behind me I only had my head and torso. Well, this would be fun. Twisting my body round I tried to head but Kili's arm but that only hurt me more than me more than him. Hey! If I knock myself out, do you think they'd stop?

"Stop wriggling Hayden!" Kili grunted before stopping completely.

"Ha! I win! You just can't beat this g-WHAH! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?! PUT ME DOWN THIS INSTANT!" I screamed as Kili swung me onto his shoulder in a fireman's lift. I kicked my legs into his chest and furiously drummed my fist's against his back. What. A. Bellend. I heard Fili chuckle deeply not far from my head causing me to scowl into Kili's back. This is so not fair, they just couldn't let me treasure the memory of walking into the place my dreams centered around. Humph. I let my body just flop, not even bothering to fight anymore as this boy is protected by a lot of muscle, and allowed my head to roll into the little dip between his shoulder blades. Kili laughed again as he felt me wince as we entered through the threshold of the door and I playfully slapped his back. Once we were safely in, Kili's grip loosened and I slowly climbed down from his broad shoulder. Taking a step back and puffing myself up I glared at the two snickering brothers.

"You assholes!" I squeaked lightly slapping each of their arms but not fully being able to keep a smile off my face.

"I'm never forgiving you." I informed them lightly before turning around and stomping into the main area.

...

The green dragon interior was even more beautiful than I could have imagined, though I did expect to see Rosie behind the bar and it was a tiny bit of a shock when I remembered that she was either still in nappies or not even born yet. That just makes me feel old.

A short while later I was joining the others, squished around a medium sized table. Thorin had forbidden us to buy anything alcoholic so I had a cup of something that really didn't look all that drinkable- it was thick and green and had all these brown lumps in it. Who ordered this? The other Dwarves were looking just as disgusted as me, well, save from Ori, who seemed to be enjoying the drink immensely as he was making his way around the table slowly polishing off all cups of goo. Oh that's disgusting. As he came to me I grimaced and pushed my drink towards him.

We didn't have long to wait before Gandalf came power walking in, not making a sound. We all snapped our heads up to look at him. It was pretty cool.

"Well come along then all of you, we have no time to waste!" He said and we all immediately scraped our chairs across the floor and filed out the door. I, being the last one out, stopped and turned around, taking in my place of childhood escape one last time before turning around and following the path that led to the rest of the company. When I got back out everyone was already sat atop their ponies looking expectedly at me. I quickly ran over and jumped on River. We quickly set off and, like always, we found ourselves filing into a thin line, around four people a row.

We weren't on the road long before the Dwarves started to sing songs. They were really quite awesome, very deep and booming and I noticed that all of the songs had something to do with the quest we were on, or Erebor. Though soon I did start to feel a tiny bit left out. I had no-one to talk to, they were all singing.

"Hey guys, what's with all the singing?" I called out when another one of their songs finished. I swear these guys are like a choir- ooh! That's an idea.

"It passes the time, Miss. Hayden, and the songs we sing keep us motivated. If you have any songs about Erebor or our dear quest, then please, do sing." Balin said happily. Oh what an opening!

"Okay, I will. I just need to do a bit of lyric tweaking and, no... right... Uh-huh... nope... yes! Got it!" I dramatically cleared my throat and started to sing.

**[I'm putting the song in a separate story if any of you want to check it out. It just makes this chapter way too long to keep it actually in here- Sorry] **

"You really do make this trip enjoyable Ms. Jones." Fili laughed.

"Glad I make the cut." I said sarcastically, in a slight mood. This often happens: I get embarrassed, I get defensive. I hate it about myself, it's really not pleasant. Why am I even moody? Fili did nothing! I'm the one that fell off the stupid horse!

"If it makes you feel better, you have a lovely singing voice, a bit pitchy in some places but-"

"I'm warning you Kili, if you finish that sentence I will chop your balls off and stuff them so deep in your intestines you don't even want to picture the excrement!" I growled and, I'm sorry, but the look on Kili's face was enough to send someone on death row into a fit of giggles. Though, to his credit, he did cover it up pretty well and he stuck a playful smirk on his face.

"You'd have to catch me first and no offence Hayd, but you wouldn't be able to." He laughed.

"Nu-uh, I'm smaller therefore faster."

"No. My legs are longer and stronger so I could cover more ground."

"Or I could just jump you when you least expect it."

"I don't think you'd be able to keep me down for long."

"I'm sorry, who beat you last night?"

"That was sword fighting, which is not my strong point. If it was strength against strength then I would win."

"Oh really? You wanna' bet on that?" I cocked an eyebrow.

"Yes, tonight we will have a proper fight and we'll see who wins."

"Fine. What're we betting for?"

"The right to tease you about it." He replied cheekily.

"Okay, bragging rights. I can do that." I leaned over and shook hands with Kili with a mock glare. He is going down!

"Okay you two, you can stop talking now. No-one here wants to listen to your bickering, and plus, I think you're going to rip each other's clothes off if we don't stop you now!" Fili muttered and okay, that sounds like something I would say. Aren't Dwarves supposed to be all polite and gentlemanly when talking to a woman?

"Dearest Filsy, listen to me very closely. Just. Friends!"

"Filsy?" He questioned incredulously.

"Yup, it suits you."

"You are the strangest being I have ever encountered." He almost whispered and shook his head, turning his attention back to the front. Wow, what's in his pants? I'm not strange per say, I'm just... outspoken. And a Fan-girl! I have a right to be weird! The BBC is just trying to screw me over. And not just the BBC. Many other things. Oh Dean. (Insert dramatic sniffle)

We had just got into a forest it seems and I must say, my hopes of the little hedgehog showing up were dwindling at an alarming rate. A lot of the Dwarves were giving me, Gandalf, Kili and Fili these looks; the looks of people who are about to get a lot of money. I am going to be in so much debt. Damn you Bilbo!

Then a miracle happened:

"Wait! Stop!" We all turned around and watched as Bilbo ran up to Balin, panting.

"I've done it, I've signed it!" Balin stopped, looked through his...What is that? A monocle or a magnifying glass? I'll have to ask him about it. Balin examined Bilbo's contract quickly to make sure everything was in mint condition then he smiled.

"Welcome to the company Master Baggins!" He said and after Thorin issued Bilbo a pony we set off again.

"Billy! I'm so glad you've joined us! And not just for the money!" I yelled at the small person's back and he turned around and offered me a smile.

I smiled victoriously as bags of money started making its way into my hands. I turned towards Kili to see his hand floating beside his face with a bright smile. With a laugh I slapped my palm against his and shook my head fondly. Ah, the joys of high fives. They just brighten your day. I looked back at Kili and as cheesy as it is, I kind of got stuck in his deep eyes- I think I was lost in them somehow as only Gandalf turning round and pointedly clearing his throat managed to snap us out of it. The Dwarves snickered and I scowled at their backs. I'll get them back. Woo-hoo! Petty revenge. Three cheers for it!

Suddenly, above me I heard the unmistakable sound of thunder crashing and I felt small droplets of water fall on my face, making a shiver run down my spine at the random temperature change on bits of my skin. A lot of the Dwarves started groaning but a smile broke out on my face.

"I like the rain!" I announced happily, doing a little bounce which was very difficult on a horse.

...

About an hour later my cloak, not being water proof had become soaked all the way through and was making me shake uncomfortably from the cold, wet substance sitting on my usually dry skin, not a pleasant feeling.

"Starting to mind the rain." I said through clenched teeth.

...

It had stopped raining about 10 minutes ago and we had finally made it to camp.

I slid of River- which was quite a feat as I was shivering so violently- and watched with blue lips, I'm sure, as Kili shrugged off his cloak and handing it to me. Chattering my thanks I stomped over to a newly roaring fire (wow, these guys are quick) stripping off my clothes as I went and finally sitting in front of the source of heat- Minus Kili, okay I'm sorry- and wrapped in the cloak.

"I hate the rain!"

**What do you think then? Please let me know reviews really do make my day :D Chapter 3 sometime next week, all I have to do is type it up. Well see you soon, Bye!**


	3. The master's of sass

Chapter 3 – The masters of sass

**Hello! *pokes head around a wall* How're you guys? This would have been up yesterday but it seems that both Kat and I were ill yesterday, so I wasn't really in the mood for typing things up and Kat wasn't in the mood for editing. Thank you for all the favourites, reviews and follows; I seriously love fanfiction, you guys are way more friendly than some of the people on wattpad (not that wattpads not awesome, it's just that they don't comment *sad face*) Well, I have nothing more to say so after the disclaimer, here's the chapter… **

**Kat and I do not own 'The Hobbit' any of its characters and because we are both raging fangirls we quote a lot of books, TV Shows, films and whatnot so if you recognise something we claim no credit for it.**

**Oh yeah, and, if I haven't already said this then some of the details in the books are rearranged and what not**

Once the water finally seeped out of my bones, I awkwardly got dressed again into my now fully dry and slightly warm clothes, which was actually really hard to do while trying to hide my body from 15 men and pull on skin tight breeches. Yeah, it's safe to say that there was a lot of falling, tripping and screaming. The dwarves meanwhile found this _hilarious _and have been constantly teasing me ever since. That's fightin' talk where I come from, cue Hillbilly accent. I made my way over to Bombur, who was cooking our lovely dinner.

"What's that?" I asked, faking curiosity.

"Spice."

"Oh, right. Why did ya' put that in?"

"To make it taste better." Bombur replied, keeping his eyes fixed on the… stuff in the bowl.

"Why does it make it taste better?" I asked in a voice I used to hear these girls use when on dates with guys and they wanted to _get something_ out of it.

"Because it adds flavour." I could tell by the tone of his voice that I was starting to get on his nerves. Especially when Bombur isn't usually very talkative. I turned my head around to try and hide the huge smile you get before a laugh.

"Ooh, what flavour?" Bombur sighed heavily in annoyance and I once again had to stifle a laugh. Immature? Yes. Kind of mean? Yes. Insanely funny? Hell yes. Well, for me.

"This flavour." Yep. I'm driving him crazy.

"Well duh, what's the flavour?"

"It's a surprise, you'll find out when you eat."

"Oh! Okay… What's that?" A small laugh escaped me this time but I think I successfully managed to hide it with another cough. Bombur dropped the ladle into the bowl with an audible splash and sighed loudly… Again.

"Hayden, would you like to stir?" And suddenly, all thoughts of petty revenge plans vanished in a puff of smoke as I was presented with the virtuous honour of stirring the, soup, I think it was. Or stew. Swapping places with Bombur I grabbed the ladle and started stirring with vigour.

"Mix it, just mix it, mix it mix it mix it, up and down, all around, side to side, left to right, zumba fitness, zumba zumba fitness , zumba fitness, yeah!" Honestly, Dan must be a god for creating a song as beautiful as that. And the dance is very fun too, though, it seems that when a pot is almost full to the brim with liquid you shouldn't dance quite so energetically as it seems that some may tend to spill out and umm... smother the fire.

"Oops." I muttered as Thorin came striding over with a scowl. Well shit. I'm dead. He first looked at Bombur and then his gaze turned to me, his scowl deepening, and then looked at the pile of charred wood with a small steam of smoke erupting from it. Try not to cower Hayden. Mega crap he's terrifying.

"Bombur, never allow Hayden anywhere near the food again. Oin, Gloin, Nori, try and restart this damn fire. Hayden, just go and do something or go somewhere where you can't cause any damage." With one last scathing look he turned and walked away though I think I saw a hint of a smile on his face as he turned. Well maybe he doesn't hate me completely, we'll be sharing our deepest secrets over tubs of 'Ben and Jerry's' while watching chick flicks in our PJ's yet.

I quickly left Bombur to try to save dinner and started to head over to where Bilbo was sat all alone. Walking forward I silently tried to map out a few possible conversations so when I do reach the hedgehog we wouldn't have one of those awkward 'I have absolutely no idea what to say, nervous cough/laugh' moments but when I was still a few yards away someone stepped directly in front of me, making me halt to a sudden stop before I bounced off his chest like a ping pong ball.

"Whoa dude, warn me before you step into my designated path will you? I was walking here!" I exclaimed.

"Sorry Hayd, but you were in a world of your own." He said with a slight laugh.

"Nope, not mine, J. R. R. Tolkien's" I laughed, amused by my own joke, "So what doth thou want?"

"Our fight. On the horses, we shook on it." Realisation dawned on me, I had almost forgotten about that.

"Oh yeah, let's do it compadre, lead the way!" I laughed and forgetting Bilbo (Sorry small man) I followed Kili over to where most of the Dwarves had formed a bully circle. That's ominous. Kili and I slipped through the cracks in the Dwarven wall and stood facing each other in the middle of the circle, with Fili standing just to the side.

"Okay you two, here's how it's going to work, there will be no biting, scratching and no weapons. Hayden, no kicking below the belt, you'll regret in later life-"

"Oh har har" I butted in with a sneer.

"-No interrupting, no powerful face shots, this is a playful wrestle, you will win the fight once your partner has been pinned to the floor for 10 seconds and I think that's it. Fight!" With that Fili stepped back into the circle and I imagined a little bell sounding three times above our heads. Without a second thought Kili jumped into a leap which reminded me strikingly of a lion and I only had time to drop to my knees with a squeak and watch him soar straight by where my head would have been and land in an awesome roly poly, that he really needs to teach me, then spin to face me. He smirked at me as I stood up and came running at me again. When he started to get closer to me I braced myself with my shoulder facing towards him and my left foot braced behind me, like those rugby players you see when trying to block people. Though it seems that you have to be big and bulky to successfully pull off those moves because as Kili ran into me with the force of a small truck I went flying backwards and landed in the, thank you rain, soft dirt. I love the rain! My breath left me in a rush as I bit back a flinch when Kili straddled me and this is so not going to plan! Trying to gain the upper hand I threw my fist wildly up and grinned when I felt the familiar shocks of pain that always comes when you hit someone prickle through my fingers as they connected with his jaw. Kili's head snapped back and while he was reeling from the hit I used my legs and hips (saucy, I know) to propel us sideways and switch our positions. I place my hands on his shoulders and lent forwards, all my weight onto him, in hopes to keep him down for the required ten seconds but it was only after about two seconds, by my count, when I felt Kili's muscular arms encircle my waist and suddenly the ground that was just above Kili's head was moving towards me at an alarming rate. I closed my eyes and tucked my chin into my neck in an effort as not to snap my spinal cord as I was thrown over his head as easily as a bloody beach ball, leaving me groaning on my back, head to head with Kili. Said dwarf quickly resumed his position straddling me. I feebly tried to fight him off but before I knew it, my hands were pinned above my head and the horrible ten seconds were up. Kili had won. I will never hear the end of this. A triumphant grin spread across him features, he's still on top of me, and he slowly started to, he's on top of me, holy shit why hasn't he got off?! What the hell is he doing? Kili slowly started to lean in, getting nearer and nearer my face, his breath coming in slight pants (my own was pretty much non-existent at this current moment in time). Is he going to kiss me? It sure looked like it. I closed my eyes, felt his breath fan across my face.

"Gotcha" I heard in my ear, nothing above a whisper and my eyes snapped open. That arsehole! Did he really just do this? Kili leapt off of me with another grin, leaving me lying on the ground blushing, hot and flustered. Oh my poor shattered ego. I've just had the biggest ass kicking of my life. By a Dwarf. In front of eleven other Dwarves. And a wizard. Why does life hate me? I childishly poked my tongue out at a very happy Kili before taking his outstretched hand and letting him pull me to my feet.

"You know I went easy on you, right?" I lied through my teeth, hoping to convince Kili that I actually planned on letting him kill me, though he just laughed, quite obviously not believing me one bit.

"No, I'm pretty sure I just over powered your feeble attempts. You were definitely trying your hardest."

"Oh, really? What are you, a mind reader or something?"

"No but the frantic, swearing, did you call it? Well, that, gave you away." He laughed, lightly nudging my shoulder with his. Wow, I don't remember cursing. It must be an automatic thing.

"Yeah, it's swearing-"

"And so… KILI WINS! Hayden hand over whatever you owe him and try not to cry." Fili smirked at me and I shot him a glare before turning back to Kili.

"Here. Just take it and go, it's not like I need my pride!" I dramatically bit my fist in order to stifle a fake sob. The Dwarves once again snickered, like they had been doing for the whole fight, and I shot them all a dry look before skipping off to gather food from our designated dinner lady, Bombur.

...

After my bowl of soup I joined the others sat around the fire. During the time we ate the sky really quickly got dark so now the only light source we had was the roaring fire as a source of light and coincidently heat. I really feel like we should be telling ghost stories and roasting marshmallows or something.

"So Hayden, tell us about your home." Nori randomly asked in a light, casual tone but I had the sneaky feeling that all of the dwarves were pretty curious about this subject because suddenly all other conversations broke off and I had everyone's attention. Oh joy. I cleared my throat, trying not to sound as nervous as I was, and straightened my back against the nice rock I was currently slumped against.

"Well, there's not much to say. I lived in a flat, worked in Tesco, had a couple of friends- the usual." I answered in a hopefully breezy tone.

"One minute, you mentioned that you were 18. Didn't you live with your family? What about your parents?" Fili asked in a soft tone.

"It's, umm, different where I live. You live on your own at an early age." I said stiffly, hoping to hell they didn't call bullshit. I hastily moved onto another subject.

"Hey, do you guys- What the hell was that!?" A loud noise sounded, coming from what seemed the forest below. Almost like a scream or a roar.

"What was that?" Bilbo questioned in a fright.

"Orcs." Fili stated simply, staring intently at Bilbo as fear and anticipation washed over me. I don't like Orcs.

"They come in the night, quick and quiet, no screams, just lots of blood." Kili joined in gravely. Bilbo looked scared out of his wits and I don't think that my eyes will ever go back to their normal size. Bilbo fearfully looked back out at the forest and out of the corner of my eye I watched as Kili nudged Fili and they both started giggling like little school girls. Kili you little shit. You too Fili. Damn them both! They almost gave me a bloody heart attack...though I must admit that Bilbo's face is pretty funny.

"A night raid by Orcs is nothing to joke about." An angry voice growled and I looked up to see Thorin towering over us.

"We meant no harm-" Kili tried to reason but Thorin cut him off.

"No. You didn't. You're a child; you know nothing of the world!" Ouch. Thorin stormed off towards the ponies, leaving Kili with this really wounded puppy look on his face. That's heart breaking. Balin looked up from his pipe.

"Don't worry lad, Thorin has more reason than most to hate Orcs." Balin launched into a story about a pale Orc and by the end of it I really, really wanted to just go and give Thorin a hug but I think I should leave that right for Bilbo.

Balin slowly went back to smoking his pipe and I allowed myself to slide down the rock so I was completely lying on the floor, save for my head, which was awkwardly propped up against the rock still. Eh, I'm too lazy to move.

Conversation slowly picked up again but I just stayed out of everything and listened to Ori tell everyone that would listen he had a 'girlfriend' back home. Tuning out of all the other dwarves reassuring Ori that they believed him, I listened to Fili telling Kili that a person called Dis really didn't want Kili to leave and was crying the night before he left. So he does have a sexy Dwarven lover. She's probably a right Dwarven fox. The most beautiful Dwarfy woman in all the land with the finest clipped beard. A nasty feeling spread through my chest and I quickly blocked out their conversation before I heard Kili proclaim his un-dying love for her and started up a random conversation with Dori, who was closest to me.

"Everyone I suggest you all try to sleep now, if Hayden keeps talking just turn away from her." Thorin said walking into the middle of the circle of us and- wait. What did he just say?! He so did not go there. For his sake I seriously hope he's joking. I narrowed my eyes at Thorin, who just raised his eyebrows and walked back over to the horses. I guess he's on watch tonight.

I rolled over so that my head slipped off the rock and pulled my sleeping bag out of my satchel that Dwalin had handed me earlier before slowly settling down for the night with Bilbo and Bombur either side of me…

…

_Snore_.

_Snore._

Snore bloody snore.

Wheezy snore.

Slight whistle.

More snoring.

Earth quake. Nah, I'm kidding. Though a little twister did form around his mouth. Those poor, poor bugs. Oh no it's okay they were expelled again in a giant rush of air. How the hell is everyone else sleeping?! I rolled over to face Bilbo and stuck the sleeping bag over my head.

Snore.

Snort.

DAMN IT BOMBUR! I swear to whoever's up there I will be killing him sometime on this journey. Another snore actually shook the ground I lie on. Okay, you can do this Hayden. I blew out a deep breath- I can't do this! Standing up briskly I gathered up my satchel and sleeping bag before quickly surveyed the ground for a space big enough to fit a me sized person, that was far away enough that I wouldn't hear Bombur's growling snore's but close enough that if a night raid by Orcs occurred I would be able to wake everyone up with my screaming in agony. I quickly spotted a place by Fili and Kili and after some major acrobatic skills on my part when jumping over the band of sleeping Dwarves I finally reached the two small men I was looking for. I let out a quick boogie of victory (I.E Chandlers happy dance) and set down all of my stuff again. I lightly stepped into my sleeping bag and shimmied down until I was lying down on my side and rested my head on my arm.

"I wondered how long it would take you to grow tired of Bombur's relentless snoring, though I am surprised you didn't inflict some form of pain on him for interrupting your much needed beauty sleep." I heard a deep voice sound beside me and I turned to look at Kili who still had his eyes closed but a small, devious smirk on his face.

"Well you know I- Hey! You need your beauty sleep. I swear you Dwarves are supposed to be all gentlemanly and such?" Kili laughed quietly, the sound rumbling through his chest.

"I only joke with you Hayd. Your beauty can never be effected by anything." He replied smoothly while opening one eye. I really hope it's too dark to see the stupid blush that was on my face.

"I, er, well… Thank you." I stuttered (for the first time in my life). Kili laughed again and closed his eyes once more.

"No need to thank me for simply stating facts. Goodnight, dear Hayden."

"Goodnight Kili." I murmured, my eyes drooping shut and all to soon, I was sleeping.

…

When I finally awoke the next morning it came as no surprise that all of the Dwarves were already up and bustling about and… Making breakfast?! Sons of bitches they have to learn to wake me up dammit! I jumped up and, after a few awkward moments of wrestling with my sleeping bag, I angrily marched over to where they were all crowded around another fire.

"Good morning Hayden." Kili greeted me cheerfully. The nerve.

"Don't you good morning me you arrogant toe rag! You were right next to me, it wouldn't have killed you to wake me up!" I spieled angrily.

"We've only had food."

"EXACTLY!"

"It's just food Hayd." He reasoned

"Don't you to say that to me! Food is important, its not a thing I can skip. Need to eat to live!" Little Dan quote there.

"I'm truly sorry Hayden." He stated obviously trying to hold back laughter.

"Yeah you better be." I grumbled, choosing to ignore all of the snickers that were sounding around the campfire. I continued feeling highly lazy and, well, pretty damn bitchy and/or whiny,

"Now would someone _please_ go and get me some breakfast?" I pulled out my famous puppy dog eyes and sticking out my bottom lip. I watched with great amusement as Kili quickly wandered over to Bombur and came scurrying back with a bowl of porridge. It could be worse. As Kili handed me the bowl of porridge I honestly meant to offer up my deepest 'thank you' and pledge an IOU to him but it seems my mouth had other plans as it seems I was acting out a awesome scene from 'A Very Potter Musical'.

"Now Quirrell, get me some water." I drawled in my god awful representation of Joe Walker as Voldemort. Kili looked at me really strangely but all the same reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a flask. I smirked. How far do you think I can push him?

"Now Quirrell, pour it in my mouth." At this point Kili got a dry look on his face.

"I'll be pouring this all over you if you're not careful." Whoa, sass. And to think Kili was such a pleasant gentlemanly person when I met him. I really do bring out the worst in everybody. I placed a bashful look on my face.

"Sorry but- I just: GET ME SOME NASONEX YOU SWINE!" I clamped a hand over my mouth, silently cursing my stupid outburst, even if it was very funny.

"I warned you." Kili said threateningly as he brought the flask into a position over my scruffy dutch braid.

"Kili, don't waist water, no matter how much Hayden may deserve it."

"Hey!"

"And hurry up, we need to get moving if want to reach Erebor within the year." Thorin called over from, is he still with the horses? Wow, devotion there. I took his pointed look as a sign to eat faster and after shoveling the bland goop into my mouth, fighting the urge to grimace and ask if there was any golden syrup lying about. Yes, I'm proud of me too. After eating everything I started off towards Bombur, who took my bowl from me and began washing it in a large bowl of water and placing it in a bag. Where the hell did they get that from? Not the bag, the water. I guess there's a river near by or something. I thanked Bombur quickly for cooking my breakfast and washing everything up (which I really should be doing as it's my bowl) before waddling, yes waddling, back over to my sleeping bag and packed everything up then hopping, yes hopping, over to River and tying all of my stuff to her rump.

I scrambled on top of her, absentmindedly running my fingers through her wiry mane as the rest of the company started to get ready to leave, jumping onto their own ponies and we were off!

Just like yesterday we automatically got into a rough line and, just like yesterday, I found myself in between my two favourite brothers.

"Wow, do you guys just gravitate towards me or something?" I joked lightly.

"No, just my brother. I'm following his lead." Fili laughed, myself joining him when Kili flushed scarlet. He's so cute- Hayden, stop! You know he's in-love with that Dis person. Ugh, I'm so screwed. I do need to slyly slip in a question or two about her though… I have no idea how to be sly. Shit. I sighed loudly causing the two brothers to spare me curios glances bit I waved them away and quietly started to sing 'Thunderstruck' under my breath,

"Thunder! Dununununun, Thunder! Dunun- No! Not literally! I take that back! Oh, I jinxed it, sorry guys!" My once harmless and highly ironic song died off as rain started to fall again, even harder than yesterday. I hastily pulled my hood over my head, knowing full well that it would do nothing to save me. I grumbled slightly as I remembered just how soaked I had been yesterday and now I'm so sure that this rain won't relent until it is certain that I have contracted some ailment or another. My quiet ramblings were interrupted when I felt something heavy being placed on my shoulders. My head snapped up to see Kili sat on his horse missing his cloak. His waterproof cloak. I stared at him in shock as his own clothes started to slowly grow darker as water infiltrated it.

"I can't take this." I told Kili, reluctantly pulling off his cozy, dry, beautiful piece of clothing.

"Oh yes you can. I don't mind getting wet but you, I think if you get soaked as you did yesterday then you will contract some illness." wow, wave length or what?

"Thank you." I said earnestly, smiling at him warmly as strands of his hair started sticking to his face.

"Mr Gandalf, would you do something about this downfall?" Dori asked Gandalf a little while later.

"No, Dori, it is raining and it will continue to rain until the rain is done." Replied Gandalf, almost happily, and I felt my heart sink. I really want to give Kili back his coat and stop feeling so guilty about the fact that Kili is now drenched because of me. Gandalf went on to talk about how they should find themselves another wizard if they want tricks like that, then he got burned by Bilbo (which I happily pointed out) and the main conversation broke off and we all dissolved into our separate random little discussion's.

"Hey guys, do you smell that?" I asked randomly after picking up this peculiar, really good smell which I vaguely recognised.

"What? Everything smells like rotting leaves." Fili said with his eyebrows scrunched together. I sniffed some more, frowning. I was positive there was this gorgeous smell emanating from somewhere. I was sure that all of the Dwarves were looking at me curiously. Then I had a thought. I slowly brought the collar of Kili's cloak up to my nose and sniffed slowly before dropping it. That's it! Immediately I grabbed it again and held it against my face, inhaling deeply and shivering from something other than the cold. I glanced over at Fili to see him snickering, one eyebrow raised and that damn blush came rushing back onto my cheeks once more, giving me an excuse to hide my face in the coat. So not complaining. I chanced a glance at Thorin, who was looking at me strangely. Oh crap! Ground swallow me whole. Please. I'm begging you. I was pretty sure that my cheeks were radiating enough heat to generate my flat in London. The one person I didn't dare look at was the owner of this fabulous garment. Do you think the smell would rub off onto my own clothes? That would be nice (It's safe to say that I don't smell like Tommy Girl anymore).

It stopped raining after around an hour, leaving behind only squelchy mud, dripping leaves and sopping wet and grumpy Dwarves. Oh poor Kili. I still feel awful. The poor man was shaking, but Kili did let me keep the cloak for the rest of the journey. He claimed that it was put to better use on me because it would be rendered useless in his current state. Guilt.

We soon found a nice place to camp in with a small, secluded, area for the horses to be tied in.

"Dwalin, Gloin, Bifur, go collect some wood before the rain comes" Thorin ordered while walking up a path that led to the remains of a shed or a barn with Gandalf. I turned back to the two brothers, or more precisely, Kili.

"Thank you so much! If you ever want, I don't know, a wig or something I have plenty of hair to spare." I told him, unsure of what I could really give him in a world where I have nothing.

"Why would I need a wig?" He replied with his eyebrows raised.

"Well if you ever need to dress up as a sexy chic, I'm your girl." I laughed, "But seriously, thank you." I said earnestly and to my surprise more than anyone's, I pulled Kili into a soft hug. I rested my chin on his shoulder and his arms encased my waist (I'm a poet). Although he was still damp it was the warmest hug I have ever had the experience of being present for.

"You are most welcome Hayden, didn't want you falling ill."

"But now you're gonna get sick!" I exclaimed stepping away.

"No, I'll be fine. Dwarven men are tough as Iro-"

"Gandalf where are you going?" Bilbo called out, snapping all of our attention to a wizard who was currently stalking out of the clearing.

"To seek the company of the only one around here who has any sense, Master Baggins."

"And who's that?" The Hobbit replied.

"Myself!" We all watched in silent shock as the wizard stormed out of sight.

"Wow. Sassy Gandalf is sassy."

**That took me hours type up!**** (And hours to edit you f*** truck! Sorry I have a headache and scanning text isn't very helpful *sniffles*)**** Holy mother of chickens. My bum is numb. And that was too much information. Well I hope you enjoyed, chapter 4 within next week, and don't forget to review! Thanks guys, bye!**

**P.S: That random brackets section was Kat... Say hi. **


	4. Troll Bogies

**Chapter 4 – Troll bogies**

**Hey! I'm sorry it's a couple of days**** (weeks)**** late *Shame* I have absolutely no excuse apart from the fact that I am so damn lazy and spent Sunday playing Sims instead of typing up this chapter. Sorry... But any****ho****o enough of my grovelling, we can all blame this on Kat. Just because she's there. ****(Um excuse you. I'm not taking the blame for anything, we can blame it all on you because it's your job to type up the damn thing and you saddled it on me, so there.) ****Here's the new chapter! Yay. (****I****n other news I have Lily and James potter as my computer background. Be jealous) But anyway, enjoy, but like always, stay tuned for the disclaimer:**

**Kat and I do not own 'The Hobbit' any of it's characters and because we are both raging fan****-****girls we quote a lot of books, TV Shows, films and whatnot so if you recognise something we claim no credit for it.**

**And I think that's it...**

A while later Gandalf still hadn't returned, rude, and I had no entertainment as Thorin had ordered Fili and Kili to watch the ponies. I desperately needed to occupy my mind and was getting desperate. I got up from the grassy mound I had been sat on and plonked myself next to Bilbo where they were all sat around the fire.

"Hey guys! Let's play 'who would you do'!" I decided excitedly. "It's where you say who you'd sleep with in the company." I explained before the confusion could resurface. They all nodded uncertainly, knowing I wouldn't let them refuse.

"Obviously Thorin doesn't have to play since we all know who he'll choose." I added with a wink. I'll admit that what happened next shocked me a little. I prepared myself for a 'Thorin glare' when I heard him say:

"Well then you needn't play either Hayden." My eyes widened then narrowed as snickers erupted around the circle. Okay so Kili would definitely be my choice but that's not the point.

"I don't like this game." I said quickly causing the snickering dwarves to full on chortle. That's such a funny word, chortle. I meandered over to Bombur and Bilbo, who was talking to Bofur, who handed Bilbo two bowls.

"Here, take these to the lads." He said and I didn't need to ask who 'the lads' were as Fili and Kili were the only ones who weren't here, besides Gandalf.

"Oh! Bilbo wait up! I'll come with you. Thorin is gaining way too much attitude. You don't sass me! You have to keep your boyfriend in check, thank you Bofur." I rambled as Bofur pushed a bowl into my own hands then proceeded to push me gently in the direction of Fili and Kili. Bilbo and I trundled over to them, all the while slurping my soup and trying not to trip over various fallen logs, large roots and the air (It's evil). When we reached 'the lads' they were just stood there staring into space.

"Ooh! I love this game!" I announced happily joining them and staring into the clearing where the ponies were grazing.

"Okay I got nothing, what're we looking at?" I said after a few moments, looking animatedly between the two brothers.

"We were supposed to be looking after the ponies." Kili murmured not tearing his eyes away from said creatures.

"Yes I know that Einstein." I replied sarcastically.

"But we've encountered a slight problem." Fili said, ignoring my previous comment.

"What?" I squeaked and Kili leapt into action, jumping over a log that was blocking the entrance to the clearing.

"There were 17, now there are 15," Kili said striding over to an actual tree that had been uprooted from the earth and pushed over. Well shit.

"Daisy and Bongo are missing." He continued, I felt a stab of relief when it wasn't River.

"What? But how?" Bilbo asked worriedly, walking around and still holding the soup.

"Well as out official burglar we were hoping you might look into it." Fili suggested. Was he insane? Bilbo wasn't an actual burglar and he knew it. I could see it in his eyes. This didn't stop Bilbo from trying though.

"Well, it looks like something big...strong too." He decided. There was the distinct sound of my hand slapping against my forehead. No shit Sherlock. They all turned to look at me but I quickly waved them away and carried on searching around for the missing ponies.

"There's a light over there." Fili suddenly whisper-yelled and we all rushed over to where he was crouched behind a couple of bushes.

"Trolls." Kili growled, drawing our attention to these big-ass ugly mofo's that were sat by a large fire, talking to each other and...cooking? Terrifying. As troll A and B started arguing about seasoning I had to fight to urge to laugh loudly and make some Harry Potter related remark. If only we were in a dungeon. Another troll came plodding in then, with a pony under each arm. Buff.

"He's got Minty and Myrtle!" Bilbo exclaimed in a panic looking about ready to jump the troll and save his pony.

"Whoa man. Calm thy shit." I said quietly raising my hands in mock surrender. Bilbo glared halfheartedly at me so I smiled sweetly and turned my attention back to Fili and Kili.

"We have to do something!" Bilbo said to them.

"Yes. You should." Kili replied and I felt my eyes widen. He didn't mean...he couldn't! Have you met Bilbo?! He's not exactly troll evading, pony stealing material. Well, he could be, but he's not now! He'd die in an instant. I started making large 'STOP!' motions behind Bilbo's back but Kili ignored me. And Fili. Bitches.

"You're so small and quiet they'll never notice you!" Kili pressured Bilbo, still ignoring my hand gestures (Which I have now reduced to one choice finger as they weren't listening to me).

"If you get into trouble hoot once like a barn owl and twice like a brown owl." Fili said quickly, taking that damn soup from Bilbo and nudging him on his way. I was about to intervene when I felt someone pulling me backwards while Bilbo began to mumble about owls. Once we were back in the woods, hidden by trees, I turned on them.

"Are you crazy?!" I almost yelled at them but they held their ground.

"We need to go tell Thorin. Bilbo has a better chance of survival if he's alone. He's small, light and quick, we would cause a scene that we couldn't handle without the others." Kili reasoned. To be honest, if I put logic into the situation then I would see that they were in fact very right to do what they did. But I do care a great deal about my dear hedgehog therefore I couldn't go on knowing he's all alone. Plus Thorin would never forgive me if I let some giant trolls grind his lovers bones to make their bread and all that shit.

"Fine. You go tell Thorin Bilbo's in trouble and I'll go make sure Bilbo's not having his shins pulled out. Oh, also be a dear and gage his reaction for me. I would love to see his face when he realises his Bilbo is in mortal danger." I said chuckling quietly, but sprinting off before they could get a word in edge ways.

Uh, I need to run more. Hit the gym, you know? I shouldn't be puffed out after a 100 metre sprint or so. I stood for a moment to catch my breath before sneaking around the edges if the forest to where the ponies where... parked but unfortunately I couldn't see Bilbo there. Well crap. I scanned my eyes around the opening and finally found Bilbo standing by one of the trolls' ass; nice. I watched, crouched behind the fence of the pen they were keeping all of the ponies in as Bilbo attempted to get a knife that was attached to the trolls belt. Why the hell didn't the boys give him something sharp to defend himself with? Or me?! Damn them, damn them both to hell!

I carried on surveying the scene before me as one of the trolls (the one Bilbo was conveniently trying to steal from) reach round and started scratching his ass, yes, it was a tremendously pleasant sight, thank you for asking. I fought of a giggle as Bilbo ever being the gentleman turned his head and pretended not to see it. He's changed so much since Lord of the Rings...or he has yet to change? I don't even know. Right now he has such self control... And manners. When the Troll sat down again Bilbo returned to trying to get the knife and before I could even whisper-yell at Bilbo to hit the deck it had grabbed him when reaching for his hanky and blew his nose... Right over Bilbo. Oh that's disgusting. I gagged and pressed the back of my hand to my mouth. The troll was indeed very surprised to see Bilbo covered in snot and they all discussed eating him.

"Bilbo!" I squeaked, perhaps a little bit too loud as they all turned towards me and before I even had a chance to duck or run I was too being scooped up by the same troll that held Bilbo.

"Hey, hey watch it! Whoa I'm fragile!" I complained as I was lifted off the ground.

"She's a pretty one." He commented and I immediately pulled pulled a face and leaned away.

"Ew, dude two words: Breath mints." I coughed. He either didn't know what I was blabbering on about altogether or he had no inkling to what breath mints were as I was just ignored completely.

"Can we eat her too?" The idiotic one holding the two of us questioned the cook.

"She looks meaty." The third one commented.

"Okay two things, A) Please loosen your damn grip my ribs are slowly cracking and B) I'm not meaty this is all fat." I had subconsciously grabbed the largest things on my chest which happened to be my boobs and immediately let go.

"Fat adds flavour." The chef shrugged. Damn it. I hoped he'd say 'oh well then nice meeting you. Take your snotty friend and hop it'.

"Trust me, not this fat. Have you never watched those liposuction films?" I tried hopefully but my attention was quickly distracted as Kili leapt through the bushes wielding a sword. Oh; so _he _gets one. Fair guys, real fair.

"Drop them!" He ordered, fury blazing in his eyes. Damn that's sexy.

"Where the hell have you been?!- You were eating the soup." I accused narrowing my eyes. He shot me a smile before Bilbo was randomly thrown literally on top of him. At least it's not Bombur, Bombur seems to land on him quite a bit. Kili next to immediately jumped up, looking at the Trolls again.

"I said drop her." He said again with more force and remembering what happened to Bilbo I quickly shook my head but all the same found myself being hurled towards Kili. Yeah he didn't catch me. I landed on my feet to the side of Bilbo before the momentum pushed me forwards into a roly poly and ended up in a sitting position followed by me flopping myself back so I was lying down. #Swag.

"Are you alright?" Kili called, not taking his off the trolls- who seemed to just be watching us. Creepy.

"Peachy." I grumbled back, sitting myself up before quickly leaping up, when the rest of the company came running out of the bushes with battle cries. I had a battle cry of my own actually. True, it mainly consisted of me screaming out of pure fear of getting trampled but I think they all think I was trying to be scary to our enemies. Like the old Scots. But less naked. I leaped to the side of the Dwarf horde as they ran through but it seems Bilbo had the same idea with a slight alteration.

He ran over towards the ponies, grabbing the sword off of the Troll while he was distracted and slicing through the rope.

"No Bilbo they'll bolt!" I screamed running around the outside of the fight to stop the hedgehog before he- nope, there they go. Bye bye horsies. Oh Bilbo you can be an idiotic hedgehog sometimes. I thought Horses...Ponies...whatever, were supposed to have some sense of loyalty. Or is that Dogs? I ran over to the small man.

"Bilbo are you okay?" I asked placing my hands on his shoulders to get a better look at him only to withdraw instantly with goopy, lumpy green stuff covering them.

"Ugh, troll bogies." I muttered, wiping my hands on the gate and turning back to watch the Dwarfs battle. Knowing that in this particular fight I would only get in the way as I had no weapon I stayed in the sidelines fighting the urge to commentate. Currently, Kili was doing this awesome roll thing through one of the Trolls legs and then slashed the back of it's calf. That's 'gonna hurt in the morning.

"Drop your arms!" One Troll suddenly shouted, making the Dwarves and myself freeze.

"Or we'll whip his off." I slowly turned my head to see that two of the Troll's had Bilbo suspended in the air, each of them holding one arm and one leg. Fucking buggery poop filled pants of piss. How did I not notice that?! I quickly dropped to my hands and knees to avoid being spotted and scrambled into the band of frozen Dwarves, who looked down sharply when they felt someone kneel on their toes and rush through their legs.

"What're we 'gonna do?!"I asked popping up (quite literally) in the space between Kili and Thorin.

"I don't know." Thorin replied quietly, not taking his eyes off Bilbo. Awww!

"Drop your weapons!" The troll yelled again and I heard a few more clashes as swords collided with the ground; Kili, in fact, threw his sword down so hard I was a tiny bit taken back by the attitude.

"Well that went well." I announced cheerily over the yelps of the half of the group that were tied to a spit and roasting over a fire. The rest of us- which consisted of Fili, Kili, Thorin, Oin, Bilbo, Bombur and myself –were tied up in sacks and piled in a corner. Bilbo and Fili were both attempting to get to their feet, looking like worms that were having a seizure, Bilbo was having much more success out of the two. I laughed quietly as Fili did this weird flop that left him on his face, practically eating the dirt, though as I breathed back in I caught a whiff of this god awful smell. It was really worse than anything I have ever smelt and please tell me it's not coming from me, oh god please! I cautiously lowered my head down to my bag covered armpit and took a small sniff. Oh good grief that's extreme. I pulled my head back rapidly, coughing and hastily gasped deep breaths of clean (Well as clean as you can get surrounded by Dwarves and Trolls) air. It's the bag! I cannot smell _that _bad in such a small amount of time... IT'S THE BAG!

"Wait! Your making a huge mistake!" We all looked up towards Bilbo, Hey! He got to his feet! Well done Billy- Anyway, Bilbo was currently hopping towards the beastly trolls, well, he's got balls. We can safely say that. I heard Dori say something about them (the trolls) being half wits and then Bofur replying with something that was insulting to us but made me chuckle none the less. Wow, I am surprisingly calm for the situation. Go me!

"With the, uh, seasoning I mean." What the hell are you doing? Bilbo hopped farther towards the Trolls as the chef started questioning Bilbo about said seasoning,

"I mean, have you smelt them?-"

"IT'S THE BAG!"

"-You're going to need something a lot stronger than sage before you plate this lot up." Bilbo carried on completely ignoring me.

"Well then what'a you shuppose?" Chef enquiered leaning down so he could hear the Hobbit better, oh! I see what he's doing. That's smart.

"Well, uh, the um, secret to uh cooking Dwarves is to... Skin them first!" ... If I could face palm at this moment I would, screw the smell. Really Bilbo?! No, don't make up some random herb that the dim witted no brainers would spend 300 hours looking for but tell them to skin us! You really are a dumbass sometimes. Oh well at least he's bought us some time. I watched with vague amusement as the Dwarves, minus Thorin, started yelling in outrage. From somewhere beside me Kili yelled (rather loudly) that Bilbo was a traitor and all the usual stuff when Troll C (C for Chef. I'm so smart... Or I'm really stupid. Either one works) demanded that Troll B (Blithering idiot) to get his filleting Knife- that wouldn't have happened if he told them to go gathering dogious poo-ous then we wouldn't be at risk of being flayed alive- when Troll A (Assbutt) stated that it was a 'load of wubbish' and picked up Bombur, dangling him above his mouth. Shit!

"No! Not that one, he's infected! He has worms in his, uh, tubes!" Bilbo frantically yelled. Quick thinking, good. I winced as Troll A yelled in disgust and threw Bombur straight on top of Kili. I'll check for broken ribs later.

"In fact they all are, I wouldn't risk it if I were you I really wouldn't." Bilbo finished with a little bounce and, are they really that thick headed? All of the Dwarves, minus Thorin, started yelling in outrage once more, Kili shouting that Bilbo had parasites and not him. Mature. It wasn't until Thorin gave Kili a sharp kick and a meaningful look that he, and all of the other Dwarves, caught on.

"I have parasites as big as my arm." Declared Oin.

"Mine are the biggest, I have the biggest parasites!" Kili yelled. What a charmer. I giggled slightly as all of the Dwarves started yelling random crap that I will never let them live down.

"I know what you're doing!" Troll A realised. "This little ferret-"

"-Ferret?!" Bilbo exclaimed.

"Did you know that recliners are the number one cause of accidental ferret deaths?" I spieled randomly.

"-Is taking us for fools!" He finished, ignoring both my cool fact and Bilbo's protest-

"The Dawn Will Take You All!" An oh so familiar voice bellowed and we all snapped our heads up to see Gandalf standing on top of a rock. Well about fudging time!

"Who's that?"

"Can we eat him too?"

"We can try."

As A, B and C advanced on Gandy but they hadn't even taken three steps when he banged his staff against the rock and it split, letting the golden glow of sunrise shine through the gap, slowly turning each of the Trolls to stone. Oh, handy. Note, sunlight kills Trolls. We all cheered happily, laughing with each other as we were all cut off spits and out of bags. I really hope the bag doesn't leave me with _that_ smell. I left all of the others behind and walked over to one of the Trolls (B I think) and roughly knocked on it's head,

"Yup, hollow" I nodded. We all celebrated and hugged for a while, many people thanked and congratulated Bilbo until Thorin and Gandalf realised that they must have been hiding in a cave somewhere as light obviously turns them to stone and so we set out in search. This could be fun.

**Hi! Okay once again really really sorry this is so late but really, blame Kat! She stole my notebook and didn't type. Rude. Rude person. And when she puts this on her Wattpad account she better not say it was me! Kat's fault guys! Anyway, tell me what you think and I'll see you guys in a couple of days. Bye!**


	5. Feat Radagast

[Chapter Five – Feat. Radagast]

**Hi, so sorry it's been eons and if there are any whovians out there I have been committing my time to watching Doctor Who seasons 2-7 before the 50****th**** anniversary (I literally just finished it) so I'm guessing the Doctor Who fandom won't mind too much if there is in fact anyone still reading this story *crickets* Well then cheeryo pop pop Alons-y (Way too much Who)**

"Gross." I commented, wrinkling my nose as my eyes adjusted to the darkness of this dank, disgusting cave. When this finally happened I noticed that the cave was littered with all sorts of shiny (Well, they were once shiny I'm sure. Right now they were covered in cobwebs and dirt and little bits of rock and dust) objects but all the same, it was treasure. Sweet.

"It seems a shame to leave it all to waste." Bofur remarked, lustfully nudging some coins with his feet. There were numerous murmurs of agreement from the other dwarves that were scattered around the cave; those thieves. While they were going on about getting a shovel my eyes fell on a pile of weapons.

"Excellent." I grinned, "Time to stock up!" Yay, thieving! I was never going weaponless again. Thorin apparently had the same idea as he grabbed two very fine looking blades, handing one to Gandalf,

"Forged by Elves." He noted while examining the intricately made handle. Thorin slowly turned to look at the blade in his hand, making an 'Ew, I touched it.' face, looking like there is nothing he would like more than to drop the sword into the fires of Mordor. While Gandalf chastised him him about his childish behavior I spotted a glint of gold and made my way over.

As it turns out, what I saw happened to be the handle of a sword, and it became apparent that it was a set of double blades when I went to grab the holster and found a very similar sword crossed over it. They were beautiful weapons with gold folded into the blades and creamy gold handles.

They were so mine.

They needed to be named. All of the coolest swords are named in this world and I am so lucky I took all those random after school programs when at primary and secondary because vaguely I could remember random, useless bits of vocab from a Latin class I took when I was 14. I decided on calling one of the blades Fedilis, the meaning of which was 'loyal' if my memory was correct. I was stuck on the other blade though… Nope; I'm not getting anything. I'll come back to it later.

Swords weren't enough though, I have no idea why, but it would be cool to have all those hidden weapons like those spy women in the movies I used to watch round Anna's. I set off in search of smaller knives, or daggers, whichever is more appropriate. Fortune continued to favour me as I quickly found a belt with about six throwing knives attached to it, the handles were silver with a cool pattern on them, unifying them as a set. I don't know how to throw knives exactly but it couldn't be too hard could it? All I need is one of those cool boot knives and then I'll feel both safe and cool. This also didn't take too long and as I was digging through a chest overflowing with gold (nabbing a few coins for myself in case I got separated from the group and needed to pay for a ride or accommodations) when I came across a beautiful dagger with a block black handle and all these silver swirls. All of these weapons were Elvish- do these guys have no hobbies?

With my weapons in my arms I made my way out of the cave with a quick call of, "Alrighty guy's I'm outta here before I lose my sense of smell!" Paired with a dramatic cough.

Good haul Hayden.

I walked slowly into the light, squinting as my eyes adjusted. Once my vision recovered I walked over to see Bifur was chatting away to Kili, who looked utterly clueless as he got handed a Ram skull. A corner of my mouth turned up as I hurried over to them, dropping my gadgets as I neared them and stole the skull out of Kili's hands before placing it on top of his head.

"I love it!" I grinned, testing the skull at different angles.

"You look like one of the minions from overlord, so cute!"

"You think I'm cute?" He raised his eyebrows suggestively.

"Oh honey-" I bent over and picked up my weapons from the heap in which they laid "- Cute doesn't even begin to cover it." I shot him a wink as I strutted, Gerard Way style, over to Fili to ask him to help my with all the holsters and belts.

"New toys?" He asked, taking one of my swords out of it's case and examining it, humming appreciatively. "This one looks like a strap on." He said, raking his eyes over the leather casing, ignoring my snort of laughter and walking over to my back, to strap on my twin swords. I managed to figure out the belt on my own (yes, I'm proud too) and only after I placed the remaining dagger into my right boot did I feel well enough equipped. I meandered over to Kili and the rest of the other dwarves who had stayed above ground while the rest of the company strode out of the poo-hole and Bilbo even had his own little weapon- Holy shit is that Sting?! It is! Bilbo has Sting! Is this where he got it? Oh that sword. That amazing, beautiful, magnificent sword. I was still staring starry eyed at Sting when we heard rustling come from one of the bushes. Maybe it's a squirrel. Yeah, squirrels are safe; they're cute even, all nibbly and fluffy. But what if the squirrel was some weird mutant squirrel of the east and was here to rip us all apart; lull us all into a false sense of security with its cuteness then BAM! It's too late. Well I'll be damned if I'm gonna let a friggin squirrel kill me! I quickly drew one of the blades out of its holster. Though when the creature(s) erupted out of the large bushy thing it wasn't a rabid squirrel, just a gang… group… herd… What do you call a gathering of Rabbits? Well, whatever it is, a large number of over grown rabbits leapt out of the bush, followed by a sled carrying a guy dressed in a brown potato sack, which was tied together around his thin waist and he seemed pretty jumpy.

"Radagast!" Gandalf called, looking shocked but happy to see this person- wait? The wizard dude?

"What is the other wizard doing here?" I whispered to Kili who just shrugged and turned away. Helpful. Radagast had led Gandalf a little way away from the rest of us but we could really still hear him loud and clear. Right now, for instance, Radagast was going on about how he had forgotten what he was going to say. Damn it Radagast's author backspacing, do you know how rude that is? Bad! Bad author award.

"Is that poo in his hair? I for on- bler" I turned my head away in disgust as Radagast pulled a stick insect out of his mouth and instead of washing his tongue off with bleach he just laughed and popped the insect into his potato sack. Ew. Kili looked at me seeming amused. Oh yes, because weird jungle-forest men who laugh about nasty bugs and shit coming out of their mouths are just hilarious. Please do note the heavy sarcasm there. Radagast went on and on to Gandalf about an abandoned fortress and a dude called 'the necromancer'. Radagast continued to chat away to Gandalf, rudely ignoring the rest of us when without warning a loud howl radiated through the forest.

"What was that? Are there Wolves out here?" Bilbo stated fearfully,

"That was no wolf." Gandalf was cut off from whatever he was going to say by a large Wolf-thing emerged from the foliage, growling with his eyes as slits and little trails of drool streaming from his large teeth.

"Oh Grandmother what awfully big teeth you have" I whimpered taking a step back in fear as the huge creature pounced at us. Thorin wasted no time in defending his Bilb-Company from the danger and buried his new sword deep into the beasts head while it was still in mid jump. Thorin was about to retrieve said sword when Gandalf interrupted him harshly,

"Who did you tell of your quest beyond your kin?"

"No-one"

"Who did you tell?!" Gandalf yelled louder sounding both frantic and angry.

"No-one I swear!" Thorin yelled back looking such a lot scarier than Gandalf its not even funny, "Now what in Durin's name is going on?" He added, in a quieter, calmer tone.

"I second that." I quickly jumped in, eager for Gandalf to put us all out of our misery and tell us what the hell is happening.

"You're being hunted by Orc packs." Oh that does not sound good.

"We have to get out of here." Thorin stressed, briskly walking up the hill to survey the grounds for more Wargs.

"We have no ponies, they've bolted." Ori cried, looking around at his brothers for help. My heart sank for River for another moment and I sent a scathing look at Bilbo, who luckily missed it, and carried on looking at each of the Dwarves as they shouted suggestions about what we should do.

There was a shout and we all looked back to see Thorin falling back down the hill towards us and another Warg in his place. This time, the Warg didn't survey its surroundings and just jumped straight for the floored Thorin who was scrambling towards the dead Warg to retrieve his sword. It was either the angle or the force that Thorin was putting into it but I'll tell 'ya something. That sword wasn't budging. I rushed forward at the same time as Fili, Kili and, aww, Bilbo, intent on helping our company leader some how but none of us really had anything to do for him except Kili, who swiftly pulled his bow off from around his shoulders and in record time lining an arrow up then releasing it, letting the small thing sail straight and true through the air and land right in the middle of the Warg's eyes.

"Arcus!" I exclaimed quickly as a wave of inspiration hit me for the second sword and I ignored the more weird looks from everyone and scrambled over to Thorin to help him up. After sending a grateful look at his life saving nephew Thorin harshly pulled his sword out of the first Warg's head and headed over to Gandalf.

"You all run and I'll draw them off." Radagast announced to us all before stepping over to his sledge.

"They're Wundabarg Wargs! They'll outrun you in an instant!" Gandalf protested, putting an arm out to stop the tiny potato-sacked man.

"And these are Raskivelle Rabbits. I'd like to see them try."

"Oh sass sass sass sass sass." I whispered as, looking like a hero, Radagast stepped onto his sledge and took off through a different bit of bushes.

"Waskibelle Wabbits." I recited childishly, as though I had a lisp, "Hey, Kili… It's my birthday in about 11 months and a couple of days, not too far away." I said suggestively. He shook his head bemusedly and gently pushed me in the direction of the other jogging Dwarves.

"I'll take that as an 'I'll think about' then?"

We started winding through various trees in a steady jog. Ugh, running. I stayed as close as I could to Kili, who seemed to be taking this run with ease. He even went as far as to laugh at me as my breathing started to become irregular and sweat broke out on my forehead and top lip. I panted out a quick, "Shut it you!" and lightly tapped his upper arm.

Quickly we reached an open grassy area with a few rocks dotted around. Oh good, this should be a bit easier.

Over to my far left I spotted Radagast and his 'Waskibelle Wabbits' easily staying in front of the pack of around 11 Orcs atop Wargs. I didn't have long to admire though as we were off again in an even more vigorous run in the other direction. I honestly don't remember being this unfit! I have absolutely no idea how I was able to A) Keep up with Dwarves and B) Run in the first place. I think we're doing okay though, I mean, we've not been noticed yet. Or outrun. Though I'm not sure where we're headed. In fact I think only Gandalf has any idea where we are and/or where we're going and despite Thorin's constant repeats of 'Where are you leading us?' I don't think he's planning on relaying the information any time soon therefore leaving us as useless cattle following our wizard.

After another few minutes of senseless running we found ourselves hidden behind this big ass rock as a lone Orc and Warg had almost spotted us. I know, close one right? Though boils and Co didn't seem to be leaving any time soon as he slowed his Warg to a stop on top of the very rock we were hiding under. We all held our breath in hopes that the stupid Orc would just wander back to the ranks and join in the Radagast and rabbits hunt but it seems he was literally just waiting for us to materialize out of no-where so he could off us and I'm pretty sure in a minute he was going to call over some of his buddies and we will be soup. I looked at each of the members helplessly, my eyes stopping on Thorin and Kili sharing this look, and after so little as a nod from Thorin Kili leapt out from the cover of rock and in record time drew and arrow and shot it at the Warg, causing it to fall off the rock face with a large amount of squealing and crying. Baby. Ignoring his Warg the un-harmed Orc scrambled himself out form under the still screaming animal and pulled out his sword ready to fight us… all of us. It was Dwalin who delivered the killing blow to the Orc and in fact the Warg but really only then did it dawn on us. Our cover was blown.

"Run!"

And we did.

Fast.

We ran hurriedly to anywhere that was away from the Warg/Orc pack that was currently turning their snarling heads towards us and following us, gaining speed and distance rapidly.

We finally came to a stop in a large playing field and maneuvered ourselves into a sort of back-to-back circle, subconsciously protecting each other as much as we could. Seeing Bilbo standing next to me I quickly and perhaps a tad roughly grabbed him by the collar of his coat and pulled him behind me and into the circle before filling the space of both our places with my damn small frame. Being a 7ft woman here would be really useful. Yes a 7ft ginger with broad shoulders and biceps the size of Bournemouth. A few of the leading Orcs finally reached us but they were quickly dispatched. Turns out Dwalin and I are a pretty awesome pair. We've got a system bitches. Once all of the current Orcs were lying dead at our feet we started bickering like the British.

"We must leave now."

"No the formation is strong, we should stay here until all of the Orcs are dispatched."

"But if we run we could-"

"I think we should let our leader decide, Thorin what do you think?"

"Where's Gandalf?!" Now that got my attention, where is our robed friend. Just leave then Gandy, it's fine. Ah he'll be back, he loves me too much. Well maybe not me. I think he might actually care for the line of Durin. He seems to. And he believes in the quest.

"He's abandoned us!" Dwalin yelled after scanning the area. I rolled my eyes.

"You're all a bunch of pessimistic bipolars!" I yelled adding my two cents into the conversation as Kili shot another Warg breaching a hill. My eyes darted to every bit of the area that I could scan for any sneaky attacks.

"This way you fools!" We heard a shout and all turned, some of us breaking the formation cough Ori, to see Gandalf standing behind a very white rock. I shot everyone I could an 'I told you so' look then ran over to the rock towing Bilbo behind me.

"Aw nifty!" I exclaimed in joy as we neared and saw an opening to a cave tunnelly thing. While everyone jumped down the hole with shouts of glee, I stood at the entrance motioning for Bilbo to make his way down (Which by the look he gave me it almost looked as if he would rather be mauled by Wargs then go down such a filthy shoot) but eventually he did, grimacing all the way, but just about as I was about to slide down resident evil style I spotted Kili a little while away clearing the clearing of our enemies, slowly but surely wearing down his supply of arrows.

"KILI!" Thorin yelled from beside me, without even moving his mouth which in my opinion is a pretty big feat and I need to learn how to do that.

As if he was snapped out of a trance Kili turned and ran full speed towards us and in one swift motion he grabbed my hand and pulled me down the shoot along with him accompanied with a hearty laugh at my squawk of surprise. Asshole. I was planning on jumping down that hole in full swag mode.

After a quick dead Orc falling down the hole and a debate about whether we should follow the tunnel which Gandalf won we made our way down a path which didn't stink all that much, especially when comparing it to the trolls. On the walk I amused myself by attempting to imitate the no mouth moving shout of Kili which gained me a lot of weird looks but it was fun and finally, after a failed game of eye spy as there was no scenery, just a tunnel, we emerged into a sunny patch of very nice cliffy mountain. There was a path that led down to a very nice town. A town that I recognised instantly. Gandalf murmured something in Elvish.

"In the common tongue it's known as-"

"Rivendell."

**Well I hope you enjoyed and I'll be seeing you with a new chapter within this decade I would imagine, but don't keep me to that. Or Quote me. Just forget I said that. I'll have a new chapter before the universe collapses. I hope. **


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